YWBB

I think I am Falling in Love


Love for Arts

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I sent an email to my gentleman this morning. He told me last night that he had “fallen” for me and this morning I told him I felt that same way.

Why do I just want to cry now?

It’s nearly noon and I am still in my pajamas. I still love Will but I love R too. And it isn’t as if they conflict or even overlap. They don’t even run parallel. But, they do exist in the same space. I don’t even know what to compare this too. It is so outside of any reference frame I have.

People on the board have compared it to the love you have for your children. Different for each one but just as intense and special. But isn’t quite the same. You expect to have enough love for all your kids, you never expect to meet someone so amazingly wonderful that you would risk losing them forever….again. I have said that I don’t know if I could sit by a man’s side and watch him die, but I wouldn’t want R to be with anyone but me when that day comes. And between now and that far away day, I want to spend every minute I am allowed just being with him.

Had a Bad Day


Somedays no matter what your intentions or how hard you try there is nothing you can do to stop the irrevocable slide into self-destruct mode.

It is sometimes easy to see the day coming, but often it smacks you from out of the blue.

And interestingly, sometimes you set the timer on the bomb yourself.

It happens, for me anyway, when frustration crowds out sense. Sometimes razzing the countryside is the more satisfying option especially when you are facing one of those no-win scenarios that even James T. Kirk couldn’t have cheated his way past.

I just don’t have the patience to think things through or wait and see anymore. Even though I know nothing is ever as cut and dried as it seems, I want it to be and act accordingly. Being sick and dealing with a sick child for the second day in a row doesn’t improve the visual field much either.

So, I acted out….in total opposition to my daily horoscope…. and with intent.

The Rules of Widowhood


There is a site I go to often called the Young Widow Bulletin Board. It is a message board and chat site for people who have lost spouses and still have many years of life left ahead of them. I don’t think anyone who posts there is much above fifty and with 60 being the new 40 – well, you know.

The site is divided into categories: 0 to 6-months, 6 to 12 months, Beyond the first year, etc. The place horrifies me but I keep going back. Drawn to it like rubberneckers at a car wreck on the freeway. Victorian era grief reigns there. Read Full Article