Slow Burn

Log consumed by fire

Image by quinn.anya via Flickr

My most recent horoscope gibbered something about me slowly burning off the residual matter of the old me and finding a sleek and shiny new me underneath. The gist basically being that I have been in a state of transformation for some time and that I was down to the wire in terms of emerging from chrysalis and flapping my colors for all to see.

Except apparently, I don’t care about the “all” of anyone. This new improved version of me is above “it” and “all”, and though perhaps not quite enlightened in any Buddhist sense, certainly not mired in the way of the new world order.

I was informed also that this burn can be scary and disorienting, but not to worry because it was more than worth the any residual scarring.

Okay.

The idea that I am morphing isn’t one that hasn’t occurred to me. In the past year there have been more than a few instances of feeling out-of-body or even trapped in country. And it’s as physical a thing as it is not.

“My legs are totally different,” I remarked to my yoga teacher, Jade, before class one day.

“Yep,” she agreed. “You have changed quite a bit.”

Again that could be just physical and not be wrong but I have a feeling it goes beyond.

Not being quite through this yet, and not being entirely sure of what comes next, makes the whole “thing” hard to explain.

Rob likes to take some of the credit.

“I’ve changed you,”

“No, you allowed me to be,” I said. “Not the same thing.”

At all.

Too often we go into relationships with the odd notion of “perfecting” or “re-teaching” someone. It’s not possible. People will be who they are if they are allowed though mostly who we are is not who we are expected to be.

Yoga is about being and coming back into a being who’s been forgotten or misaligned by a lifetime of others’ coercive attempts to bend us to their will.

Thy will be done. That’s what we were taught in Catholic school. But it doesn’t make sense. Create imperfection and order it perfect in its obedience only. A divine North Korea according to Christopher Hitchens, but that ‘s a bit of a digression.

I am. More than I have ever been and if I dare to continue, more than I could have imagined being. Fascinating.

One response to “Slow Burn

  1. There is a line from the movie “As Good As It Gets” that totally resonates for me on this theme: “You make me wanna be a better man…”

    Good for you in recognizing and enjoying your growth, and good for Rob for allowing you the space to grow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s