Been stressing all weekend about the new blogging gig at Care2.
“You should never stress about work,” Rob said when I finally voiced my concern that I wouldn’t be able to find a topic for my first post.
“But I can’t work and not be perfect,” I said.
Herein lies my problem, I was raised with a work ethic and the expectation that if I am being paid to work, I need to be damn perfect in the execution of my job – whatever that might be. I have carried this load of crap since the first paying job I had when I was 12 and I was forced to mow our anal retentive neighbor’s lawn two summers in a row. My father, who couldn’t have loathed his job more, believed that there was no half-assing in employment.
I think this must be specific to my particular generation because I haven’t encountered it in those who aren’t technically considered my peer group to the same extent that we seem to be afflicted with it. Maybe it was our parents or something in the food chain or a freakish configuration of planetary bodies, I don’t know, but we are miserable perfectionists. Miserable because we can’t seem to help ourselves despite knowing what a waste of our time it is.
“The hardest thing I ever did was giving up perfectionism,” Rob assured me, but he is the same “reformed” perfectionist who is busily working himself into a knot renovating our home into someone’s dream home because we have no plans to return here after the overseas assignment he is maneuvering towards comes to its ultimate fruition.
Of course I worried to no end. I stumbled across the perfect article in my old home town newspaper this morning which provided the inspiration and link I needed to write my first post – currently awaiting approval. Working for money again has also supplied me with fodder for 50 Something Moms, so blogging is good all around. It was a silly thing to knot up about as it is about as easy for me to not find ideas for writing as it would be to blank my mind and not think. Writing ideas nearly assault me in their quest to be word on screen. Trying to keep pace is more of an issue than anything else.
Oh really, you say. Then why the blog black out over the last week here?
I’ve been writing. That’s why. Blogging is awesome and I don’t think I could ever give it up, but it is a time suck and the sucking usually comes from my off-line writing. I can’t spare it if I want to meet my deadline for rewriting the beginning chapters of the memoir. And while I am on the topic, writing about the dead husband and other related stuff is rather involving. A time suck on the magnitude of black hole.
Things will get back to daily here once NaNoWriMo begins because I am committed to daily doses of fiction, but after that I can’t say. I am literally a hand’s worth of fingers away from post #1000. That’s a lot of blog. Rob thinks I should do something to commemorate the post. I did make note of #500 when it happened, but I haven’t been much for blogversaries and such. You see 1000 posts and I see all the days I could’ve written something in the past 3 and 1/2 years and didn’t. Damned work ethic again.
Today I am exhausted and still have writing and housewifely stuff to do before putting in time on the Dance Mom beat this evening. I haven’t felt this since I stopped teaching – this Monday thing – this weekend lag. Interesting.
6 thoughts on “Sure Is Monday”
Perfection is overrated not to mention unattainable–but you come darn close =)
I am always impressed with your commitment to writing. I can’t wait to read your finished memoir. I also “get” that reliving death and that initial grief has to be extremely difficult. Hang in there–you have an audience who counts on you (how is that for added manipulation and guilt)—geez I sound like my mother.
glad you got past the blockage… i wasn’t there for the ‘perfectionist’ thing. but i have a threshold of “better than expected”, which often pushes me at work… i like to over-deliver. just a bit more than necessary, everyone is delighted, and i’ve got some energy left to do other things… which works well, because i’m always eating more projects than anyone else, so i over-deliver in the quantity of projects as well as slightly overboard on quality.
oh, yeah… i’m the youngest of four… the perfectionist in the family is the middle daughter. the eldest? she got a big load of ‘it’s all about me’… not much on birth order generalizations in my family…
Well, I’m the youngest sibling, and I have the perfection problem too. Except mine manifests as Fear of Failure: Much better to do nothing at all than to try and fall short of perfection. Which is why I’m agonizing about whether or not I should write for 50-Something Moms. Hmmm… Maybe that’s my first post for them!
I’ve been walking that fine line trying to balance writing with blogging. Now if I could just find a paying gig to tip the boat over completely! And I don’t know if its a Canadian thing, but I’m with you on the perfect worker notion. I am an eldest sibling, so perhaps Rob is right about that, though I know my sister has it too. I think its a pride thing. You wanna be proud of what you do. Doesn’t everyone?
Perfectionism is a horrible mistress, isn’t it? UGH. But having achieved a major failure recently, I guess I’ll be able to set it aside more easily and allow myself to be … well, imperfect.
… Like I wasn’t before, right? 🙂
I think the perfectionist thing is mostly a result of being the first born and eldest. And, really, I have let go of perfection. You should have seen me before.