Writing and Marriage

Rob discovered another blogger for me to add to my blogroll for you – my sporadic audience – because I don’t maintain the blogroll for me people. I surf blogs when Rob clues me to new ones that are interesting or funny or really out there in the zone of WTF and then if they seem worth the effort, I link them. But I seldom go back unless I have some sort of personal connection and even that won’t hold me if the blogger is one of those who only writes when they have something to say. The point of blogging is to say something regularly. Even if it is dumb and poorly written (okay, I don’t mean the last part really – try to be well-written). The blogger is a woman who makes a real living blogging and is now inches away from being a published author. Her name is Heather and the blog is called Dooce. If you think of me as being embarrassingly TMI, then you will be truly appalled by her. Personally, I am in awe of such fearless writing and self-exposure. You can’t be a blogger of note and not be willing and able to do this, which is why I am not a blogger of note. That and the fact that I don’t think I am as left of center as she is. Again, total awe of people who can live their lives in such a manner, but my Chinese astrological sign rules me in regards to such things. It will simply not allow my Greek nature to get out of control. Water rabbits absolutely trump Archers every day of the week. Besides even when my life was most like a soap opera, I was still more “normal” by white people suburban standards than Heather seems to have been. But go and read about her for yourself.


The post I have linked to is about her publishing – of which I am in envy and her analogy for her marriage. I don’t know that I have given my marriage enough thought as of yet to find some cultural analogy that epitomizes it. I am pretty sure that it would not be an MTV reality show about a too rich kid and his bodyguard, but that is just how I don’t roll. Though I often compare myself to Scarlet O’Hara the truth is that while I can completely empathize with her exasperation at the silly morays of society when it comes to women’s behaviour in particular and I get her abhorrence of those who would rather wallow than help themselves, I am not as swallow or blinkered about myself. Her lack of depth is the whim of her creator. Margaret Mitchell cleverly made Scarlet the persona of the Southerner of her times. But for me it is her feelings of imprisonment and constraint that ring most true. Rhett is my Rob and when I told him this he was a bit surprised “Why? He walks out on her in the end.” Which is true but not what I see in the character that reminds me of my husband. Rhett is the realist. He is amused by Scarlet’s impatience and her lack of understanding that while society can have all the rules it likes when it comes to personal choices and behaviors, the bottom line is that they are personal. We are in control of ourselves – reactions and decisions. We can’t be caged without our consent. Furthermore, it is pointless to rant about things we can’t control. There is do or do not. Accept or decline. In the end we sleep with ourselves and the ones we love most and best. My Rob has is moments but for the most part he is not worried about what others think or about societal rules that exist for the many and are indifferent to the few. He is unflappable and has an acerbic take on much of passes for civilization. Not that I think that one literary couple can serve as an analogy for a real flesh and bones relationship. There are too many aspects of a person and that multiples when you join with another. The ways we complement each other. Our love. Our lust. Our friendship. I don’t even know where to begin. How to find tangibles that could explain “us” to us let alone to people who know us only through me and my writing.


Rob and I were talking about the puzzle that is marriage as we walked earlier this evening. How some people grow and learn the give and take and others just don’t seem to get it. It can’t just be love. Can it? There has to be more to the fact that some people can see to the heart of who they are individually and as a team while it escapes so many of the rest. Maybe it is as easy as being able to see yourself and your mate in the antics of a TV characters or the lovers in the pages of a novel written before either of you was born. 


9 thoughts on “Writing and Marriage

  1. Could you link to the offensive posts, please? I mean my blog must’ve been hijacked. That or you have a reader with a huge ax to grind because of personal issues that have nothing to do with me or my blog. Thanks! 🙂

  2. “……some people grow and learn the give and take and others just don’t seem to get it. It can’t just be love. Can it”?

    It’s not just love, it’s also maturity.

  3. Hmmm. I do know people use blogs as tools to “get” others. I have ranted about people though mostly I just talk about me and my family (husband mainly and he is cool with it).

    This isn’t a diary. I am a writer. I write the people I know whether it is here or in the fiction I create. I have always done this and this goes back to well before the Web and blogs existed. This blog exists because I was widowed and I wanted to write about the experience in a public forum because when I needed to find others like me – nothing existed in blog format that I could find. That’s where it started. It has morphed as I have.

    I am not in danger of becoming some widely read blog but if that were to happen I might have to rethink the blogging thing although the writer in me is screaming “Like hell”.

    I am sorry that you have had a bad experience with your relative. Just consider the source and remember that you still have control of your response to this person. Most of the bloggers I know through reading them – they reading me – and us commenting on each other – are really great sincere people. Even the people I just read on occasion are just people reaching out to find others like themselves. Dooce, as I understand it, began blogging like most people do and continued through some really bad times in her life. Some people find that healing. I know I did. Her journey just spoke to a lot of others but we can’t stay stuck for audience’s sake. Eventually what begins as a self-journey because of something life-shaking becomes just our normal lives again.

    If you could, will you let me know the name of the offensive blog? I remember the t-shirt but can’t remember the blog name. (I don’t read them again – remember?) I’ll take it down. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

  4. I don’t want to send a ‘flaming’ email. I really want to try and understand this whole blog thing but I just can’t. Not yet, anyway. Trust me, as the saying goes: “I have many friends who blog.” I have also had an experience with a family member who blogs and does so with such maliciousness but disguises it as her ‘journey’ that I can no longer stand to be in the same room with her. I have read ‘Dooce’ as it was recommended by several friends of mine as our sense of humour is quite similar. Well, until, one realizes that the people a blogger is writing about are real people and they have absolutly no control over what you say about them. You can fall back on: “Well, obviously, it is all about my perception etc…” but you are in control of how you present your ‘perception’. You are writing for an audience and yet you want to be able to ‘fall back’ on the idea that this is somehow like a diary. It is not. You want people to read you and you want to manipulate them by what you write. You have a link to a blog site of another that has gone ‘commercial’ and there is a picture of who I assume to be her on the homepage with a t-shirt that reads something like: “If you piss me off, I won’t get mad, I won’t get even, I’ll blog you.” EXCUSE ME? I really don’t want a diatribe on ‘buyers beware’ for response. You don’t deal with life and death on a daily basis but to me, you are just like the doctors who want ultimate authority over treatment but want to be ‘only human’ when they make a mistake.

  5. Very insightful. It is wonderful that you and your husband can speak so openly to each other about marriage, though that is how marriage SHOULD be. I will check out the blog you recommend in your post, but I must say I am impressed with your blog.

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