I have too much to do to be sitting here blogging. I am still plowing through laundry due to the week long visit from my sis-in-law. Her visit too stirred up unpleasant memories because like most widows who live and breathe it, all she wanted to do was talk about issues and irritations and grudges that surrounded her husband’s death. Unfortunate timing really with the nasty letter from my former mother-in-law arriving on the heels of SIL’s departure and with the 2nd anniversary of Will’s death a mere two weeks away. And about that, the only thing I can say is that I will be glad when it is behind me. My major emotional association with it right now is impatience and the very real sense that I am not like other widows because I don’t miss Will or pine for our life together. I like my here and now too much to look backwards and I resent the intrusion of the day and grief into my life.
So, my to-do list is overwhelming me and my want to do list calls seductively at every opportunity. Write poems for an on-line literary magazine or strip beds? Spend the afternoon writing a short story based on an idea I borrowed from Rob’s memory of Shelley? Or sort through boxes of papers for tax information? Banking? Or wiling away the time before my massage preparing for my writing group? You see my dilemma. I have a house to clean and purge and a novel that is screaming for revision. There are school districts to be researched for job possibilities. A resume and letters of reference to update. Certification issues to deal with and I begin to understand why women decide to remain at home longer than they need to. I was reading an interview in Newsweek with some author of a book for 40+ women on tricks for maintaining a youthful appearance for the sake of their careers mainly because its become such a sin in our society to be an older woman who isn’t playing delusional games with herself about what she looks like. With this looming, housewife looks better and better. Truthfully though, free-lance writing is what is attracting me most simply because I prefer writing to nearly all activities save spending time with Rob these days – and even he will tell you that when I am deep in a book or working on a piece that he has a hard to pulling me back to the now.
Lists. I need lists. And a little bit more ambition. And a household staff. Okay, that last part was a joke. I don’t have money enough to coerce anyone into doing some of the work that needs to be done. It is a good thing we have until June now to do it. I could never be ready by April.
I keep threatening – myself really- with cutting way back or quitting the blog thing all together. At least for a while. I have a lot to do this month. I may have to make good on that.