Widowed: The Blog

I Miss Reading


When I was a child I could lose myself quite literally in a book.

I went through a novel every couple of days.

My favorite place to visit was the public library.

As I got older, I only read more. It was a comforting hobby, a place to take refuge. Now that I need that safe, soft place to land, it’s nowhere to be found.

I have a stack of books by my bed, because I can’t resist buying them still though I don’t frequent bookstores as I once did, but they are largely unread. Those I have read I did in a haphazard manner even more perplexing to the outside observer than my reading habits of old.

Will was always amazed that I could barely read the first chapter of anything before curiosity drove me to the last chapters. How could I enjoy a story if I knew how it ended?

I suppose it was the writer in me that found the author’s path to th ending as intriguing as the story itself.

I can’t focus enough to follow a whole story anymore. I can’t even remember the last fiction novel I made it through in my own unique fashion.

As my concentration waned, I substituted magazines and newspapers because a day without reading something is too foreign to me. Even this though is difficult to the point that I prefer my information in cyberbites on the web anymore. I still try to read everyday.

I hope that by abilities aren’t lost forever as so many other things have been this last year.

Sometimes I wish I could be that little girl who read her way through the Hardy Boys books in the children’s room of the public library for just a day out of the month. Be able to read for hours and not notice the time slip by.

Had a Bad Day


Somedays no matter what your intentions or how hard you try there is nothing you can do to stop the irrevocable slide into self-destruct mode.

It is sometimes easy to see the day coming, but often it smacks you from out of the blue.

And interestingly, sometimes you set the timer on the bomb yourself.

It happens, for me anyway, when frustration crowds out sense. Sometimes razzing the countryside is the more satisfying option especially when you are facing one of those no-win scenarios that even James T. Kirk couldn’t have cheated his way past.

I just don’t have the patience to think things through or wait and see anymore. Even though I know nothing is ever as cut and dried as it seems, I want it to be and act accordingly. Being sick and dealing with a sick child for the second day in a row doesn’t improve the visual field much either.

So, I acted out….in total opposition to my daily horoscope…. and with intent.

Resolutions


I have never had much use for New Year’s resolutions. They are usually lightweight and things that a person should be doing anyway or too big to just impose on a whim dictated by the calendar. But, this is an important year.

For me anyway.

I am not going to call them resolutions but goals that I need to work towards now that I am ending a year without Will and starting to seriously consider what shape my life should start to take.

I am at a crossroads with my career – which I hesitate to call it because I am not someone who has ever defined herself by her job. I have a job. It is one of the things that is required of you as a grown-up. I am lucky that I have nearly always enjoyed teaching but it simply funds my life, nothing more.

So, how can I be a crossroads?

I need to decide if it remains a job or becomes a career, I think.

Lately, I have been thinking that perhaps I will not remarry. My single years vastly outnumber my married ones and even my married years when boiled down to an active state of give/take between two people are just a bit more than an eyeblink. I wonder if I truly want to live with a man again and put in the time and effort, make the compromises.

But if I don’t, what fills up that time. My daughter?

Most certainly, but even though she insists she will live with me forever she won’t.

Friends? I have a few and am going to make it a priority to expand my horizons in the coming months.

Family? I think I have struck a happy balance there. I am not going to move home. My sisters are more than capable of taking care of our parents and I think it is time I stepped back from the role of family rock anyway.

So, I need to decide about the career. A career is a labor of love you happen to be paid for too. Is that what I want? I am going to think about it.

I mentioned broadening my circle of friends and that is also a goal for the year. I have acquired yet another babysitting prospect which seems more hopeful than prospects past. If she pans out then I am going to work to find activities to attend, and fun things to do that will help me break out and be a grown-up again.

Finally, I need to decide if I am living in the right place. Assess my compatibility with the area and its occupants. Have my realtor, Tanis, give me a good assessment of the house in case I decide to pull up stakes.

Goals. Things to work on. Positive and necessary. Nothing that requires superhuman willpower or club dues.