remarriage of widowed people

What’s in a Surname?


My not quite seven year old daughter refers to my husband by his first name for the most part. To her friends and teachers he is “daddy”, however, and though I went through a phase of referring to him as “daddy” for her benefit – as well as my own – I don’t anymore at the request of my husband. He felt that the relationship he has with Kat should progress as it progresses without undue influence from me.

The other day as I lay on my flu/death bed, Kat came into the bedroom to inform me I had spelled her last name incorrectly. She had just collected her “mail” and was holding up the little note I had written to welcome her home from school. Kat loves mail. She has attached a small box to her bedroom door and instructed Rob and I to leave all mail for her there. All mail that we are expected to write her on a regular basis that is. I have to admit, Rob is far more diligent a correspondent than I am.
“I spelled it the way I always have,” I said as she held the paper out for me to see.
“But that’s not right,” she told me.
It took me a moment, but then the light went off. She expected to see Rob’s last name.

Early on in our relationship Rob and I discussed him adopting Kat though we have yet to begin the paperwork. Kat was consulted then too and assented without any fuss except for one thing – she wanted her last name to stay the same. That was fine with Rob. He believes she shouldn’t have to change her name and that she is too young to make the choice even if she expressed an interest in taking his name. 

Until the other day, Kat hasn’t had any interest in Rob’s last name.

The experts say that it takes three to five years to successfully “blend” families in second marriages. My husband thinks that families don’t blend as much as they simply get used to and grow accustomed to each other. Or not. I think that the idea of blending applies to all families regardless of their formation.

As far as family goes, our three girls – his two adult daughters and my wee one – have folded into our new unit with far less trauma than I have observed in other situations. Rob attributes it to our presenting ourselves as a united front that comes first but more so to the fact that our girls have been raised properly. I think we deserve a little credit too. We have tried to listen and accommodate and give the kids the space they needed to adjust and acknowledge that there is still adjusting to do. In any event, they have grown used to our situation much more gracefully than than some of their elders in the extended family have.

It has not always been as easy as it might appear to anyone simply peering in. All five of us came to this new family as a result of the death of a loved one and that grieving is ongoing and, with the kids especially, it will manifest over and over as they encounter the normal milestones in their lives. But we are no different from any other family in that we are five individuals with needs and wants that will not always match up perfectly.

Kat’s declaration caught me a bit off guard. I never really expected her to want to try out Rob’s last name at such a young age. As a middle school teacher, I encountered many children who used their step-father’s last name even though all their official paperwork had the name they were born with on it. Teens, and pre-teens even, are prone to identifying closely – or completely shunning – a step-parent in my experience. I didn’t think the name issue would come up before Kat was in junior high.

I know there is a sizable majority who would counsel against allowing Kat to change her last name. They would cite her age, but most would insist that her late father’s last name is something she owes him. Fortunately, this is not a decision for today. It’s not one we have to have for a long time to come. And ultimately it isn’t a “we” decision. It’s Kat’s decision. And I will honor that decision, no matter what it is.

She and I talked about it a bit and then I let the matter drop. She hasn’t brought it up again. Rob raised an eyebrow when I told him but hasn’t said anything one way or another. I don’t have to wonder what Kat’s late father would have thought. He would have hated the idea. And I wonder just how much I have to take this into account because, frankly, he’s dead. This isn’t his life; it’s his daughter’s. At this point, Rob has been her father in the active sense longer than my late husband was. Rob is the one she consciously imitates and seeks to impress. It’s his world view she will absorb before utterly rejecting it as a teenager and then re-embracing the parts of it that mesh with her own as a young adult. Being a parent is more than DNA and being someone’s daughter is more than sharing a last name, or not.

 

 

This is an original 50 Something Moms post.

Two Years and a Day Later


Rob woke yesterday morning with memories of Idaho Falls on his mind.

“This time two years ago, I was leaving my sister’s to come meet you for the first time. And it was snowing that day too.”

I hadn’t forgotten our anniversary. I don’t forget important relationship milestones. And I don’t forget life changing moments for which Idaho Falls certainly qualifies. I just hadn’t planned to blog about it because I am sure my dear readers weary of my lovesick teenage gushing about my husband and our marriage.

Rob commemorated the day with a post on his blog. Someone commented to the effect that she wished she knew more of our story. Some of our story is on my blog. Much of it is not. But here are a few links for the curious.

Two years and a bit and it feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time.

The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship


Two years ago today I received the famous “Evil Twin” message from Rob via the widow board where we were once active members. It was in response to something I had posted in reply to a post he’d left in the general message forum.

I’ve been immersed in the timeline due to the memoir. The constant combing through old emails. blog entries and such drew my attention to the fact we were approaching a milestone, and so I mentioned to Rob that we had now officially known each other for two years.

Because Rob saved much of what he’d written there*, he was able to look up the message to find the exact date – Dec.16 at about 1 in the morning. He even had the replies – mine plus the three or four others. An interesting bit of time traveling and one which makes a person more thoughtful about the whole “digital footprint” thing.

Two years seems like such a long time and yet it’s gone by at a such a swift pace.

I was going to write once again about our meeting but decided to simply post this link to something I wrote last December on the subject of Rob and I and the circumstances that took a beautiful friendship to another level.

I know some people consider the acknowledging of all the little anniversaries to be overkill girly style, but I like to look at these dates as turning points in my life. The days where my life converged or merged or simply had a light bulb moment that changed everything.

*When I had myself deleted from the board I had in excess of 1600 posts. Curiously, they were mostly replies to other people’s posts. I shared my experiences, offered what encouragement or sympathy I could and occasionally lost my temper with the thick-headed. But I originated fewer than 25 posts myself. I didn’t realize this until Rob pointed it out to me and encouraged me to at least save those posts. I elected not to. Most of them were simply expressions of sadness or despair that were largely ignored and just made me feel sorrier for myself. That is not worth saving. Rob’s post were always reflective (when he wasn’t annoying people sticking up for his wife) and more importantly told his and Shelley’s story. I didn’t share much of mine. There wasn’t anyone there who could relate to me or what I went through.