remarriage of widowed people

Conversations about Life After Death … and Sex


We went without the new air-conditioner the other night as the weather has swung hard toward fall. With the a/c and the fans off, we can hear the house creaking and groaning again. The upstairs is far less prone to otherworldly knocking and since Rob and the girls took Shelley’s ashes for scattering in Kananaskis last month, the house has had a psychically empty feel to it.

“How do you want me to haunt you?” Rob asked as he crawled into bed and I nestled into the crook of his arm, my head resting on his shoulder.

“Nothing scary,” I said. “You know I wouldn’t appreciate being scared.”

“No knocking and rattling?”

“You’ll have to think of something else,” I told him. “Something I would appreciate.”

“How about cuddling then?” he said.

“Oh, I would like that. Ghostly cuddles would not be scary.”*

“Cuddles it is then,” he agreed.

“But I am wondering,” I said, “if you are dead and on the other side, what would Shelley have to say about you coming back here to cuddle me?”

“Buzz-kill,” he muttered.

Only we could have a rational conversation like this.

* I realize that it’s a matter of opinion.

Special Marriage Meme for Our Anniversary


I found this months ago on Archie’s site and thought it appropriate for the celebration of Rob and my second wedding anniversary which is today. Archie found it originally over at Litlove’s delightful blog and then saw it again on Lily’s entertaining blog.

What are your middle names?

Mine is “Marie” the same as my mother’s. Rob’s middle name is “Shaun”. I don’t know the significance of it.

How long have you been together?

We met on the YWBB, specifically on a post he put up on the general section of the board. That was in December of 2006. Rob saved that post. Our first long conversation was in a chat room. We ended up being the last two people there despite the fact that there was another woman stalking Rob at the time and pulling him out to side chats. Eventually he ditched her to talk with me although on the surface neither of us were looking at our getting to know each other as anything more than virtual friends. 

How long did you know each other before you began dating?

We were e-mail pals for about  five or six weeks before we were more than that. We were in contact just about every day. Support at first but that changed rather quickly and became more of the getting to know you stuff that happens when people first meet. 

Who asked whom out?

He sent me an e-mail the day after the first anniversary of Will’s death. It was long, rambling, very sweet. I was stunned. I liked him, but he’d been so adamant about internet romances being bad things (there was a lot of that going around on the widda board at the time) that I put the idea way on the back burner. My BFF was always pushing me to try and sound him out about the possibility of he and I, but I rebuffed her. I respected Rob too much and wasn’t going to endanger our friendship by being forward. Our first “date” was via the phone. I was reluctant to go to the phone. I don’t do “good phone”, but he was as easy to talk to as he was to correspond with.

How old are you?

I was born in Iowa in 1963. He was born in Ontario in 1961. I have never been younger than a man I was with. It’s kinda fun. He grumps a bit because he was younger (a few months) than Shelley and he hates having lost the age “advantage”.

Whose siblings do you see the most?

Mine, I guess, but we live pretty far away from family. Rob’s siblings are younger (some a lot younger) and they aren’t a close-knit group. I have met only his sisters and not his younger brother. Funnily, I have met all of Shelley’s siblings, nieces and nephews and many of her cousins, aunts and uncles.

My sister, DNOS, and her husband and son are the ones we see the most, aside from Shelley’s family.  My younger siblings are not really part of our lives, but Rob has met them both. He’s also met much of my extended family and I have met a few of his mom’s extended family.

Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?

I had to think about this a long time because I don’t think we have any issues that are “hard”. There have been issues that have come up concerning the children and other family members, but nothing that we couldn’t deal with. Recently we have been tossing around the “where will we be buried” thing again. I have a plot back in Des Moines where Will is but haven’t much desire to be buried there myself. Rob’s late wife is still, mostly, in a container in our basement. I think it would be easier if we all just faded into nothingness like Yoda did, but that’s just me.

Did you go to the same school?

No.

Are you from the same home town?

No. Not even the same country.

Who is smarter?

That depends on who you are asking and what the topic is, but generally, I would say he is a tad bit smarter than I am in most areas and a whole lot smarter in his fields of expertise.

Who is the most sensitive?

To others? He is. I am about as tactful as a face plant on the pavement. In terms of personal slight? That would be me. My feelings get hurt very easily because I read things into people’s actions and words that perhaps they don’t realize they are telegraphing along with the surface content. It has made life hard for me and sometimes still, I feel the need to back away from humanity to ease the scraped raw feeling I get from being too close.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?

My food allergies make eating out … challenging. There is a place I love in Edmonton called The High Level Diner, but mainly, it’s Humpty’s, Boston Pizza and Subway.

Where is the furthest you have traveled together as a couple?

By road? To Iowa and then southern Illinois for our honeymoon. But long trips are a fact of life here in the Great White North. No place we have been has been less than a five hour drive. We’ve been to Jasper to get married, Regina and Penticton to visit Rob’s mom, Fairmont Hot Springs and Revelstoke for vacations. We’ve gone farther north (yes, there is a farther north) to Grande Prairie for funerals. Rob and I also went to Arkansas on our first road trip, and we met in person for the first time in Idaho Falls.

Who has the craziest exes?

We don’t have those. My husband is buried in Iowa and his wife’s remains are in a container in our basement.  So what we have is … unusual … by the standards of many.

Who has the worst temper?

We have the same temper and that is the problem. We are both the stewing sort that give off radioactive heat, but we really don’t disagree that often and we are both working on the whole “talking” as opposed to “clamming up” thing and I must say we have made remarkable progress on that front. 

Who does the most cooking?

He did in the beginning because I had never really cooked an entire meal family style before in my life. I do the lion’s share now but he is good with breakfast on vacations and weekends.

Who is the most stubborn?

Again, kind of a “two peas” situation. I am the more flexible though, imo.

Who hogs the bed most?

Me. I am a snuggler. He moves away (because I apparently give off quite a bit of heat) and I follow until he is clinging to the side of the bed. He takes all the covers though.

Who does the laundry?

Me mostly but he will often take it upon himself to do the wash. He folds too – much better than I do. I can’t complain at all when it comes to the housewifey things. Rob has the attitude that he is as responsible as I am for cleaning and whatnot.

Who’s better with the computer?

Not even a contest, he is.

Who drives when you are together?

Rob always drives even on long trips (because I drive too slow – the speed limit). I prefer to be driven really. It would be nice to live in a place where one is able to walk most everywhere but that’s not the reality right now.


So there you have it. If anyone is inclined, please join in the “Marriage Meme”. 


Photographic Evidence


I am not big on taking pictures but I find I am documenting my life more by photo than I have at any other point in my life. This is big. As an example of my near lifelong tendency to journal/blog rather than whip out a camera I present the following evidence:

Exhibit A: I have no photos of happy or indifferent or even humiliating moments from my junior high or high school years and those snap shots from university were taken by other people and somehow I ended up with copies.

Exhibit B: I didn’t even own a digital camera until Thanksgiving of 2006 when I bought one on a whim at Target because it was ridiculously cheap as opposed to indecently over-priced.

Exhibit C: Most of my photography is blog driven which means I need a photo to go with a piece and am too lazy to google free images.

That I now take the bulk of photos is a mystery yet to be solved because Rob is a shutterbug of legendary proportions who for reasons unknown forgets to bring his camera along anymore (because he knows I always have one on me?).

But pictures are evidence of life. Jokes aside about Kodak moments (dating myself back to the Iron Age now), photos remind us of real and important events because even the smallest moments can mushroom in retrospect.

All of the photos from the early days of Will and I are gone. They were taken by friends and members of the service organization he and I belonged to and I never got copies.

Pictures of us in the days of yore before his illness (although technically speaking there never was a “before” he was ill the day I met him) aren’t in digital form but I do have some evidence there was an “us” and a love.

Rob has a photo – somewhere – of he and Shelley at their grad party, which is where they “hooked” up. I haven’t seen it, but it is, for what I have heard, radiating with all the romantic potential they would find together and I don’t know that many couples are lucky enough to be captured in the moment of falling.

Rob and I met here. Unless he was photographing himself that night, and I can assure you I wasn’t, there are no pictures.

The self-portrait Rob sent to me.

The self-portrait Rob sent to me.

 

 

We dated via Yahoo, MSN Messenger and our trusty land lines. Again, tangible pictorial evidence is hard to come by, but here is the first picture he sent of himself to me. I was quite excited to see the beard. I’d seen photos of him on the widda board from his trip (and so had many other women who apparently had lewd discussions about him in the late night chat – no serious wonder why there are so few widowers there. They are hunted down like wooly mammoth and dragged by the tusks back to caves.) But the beard hadn’t been in evidence in any photos I had seen. I love full facial hair on men and am partial to goatees. Sly old future husband of mine paid enough attention to the things I written in posts and on blogs to know this.

We met, as I have mentioned, in Idaho Falls. No pictures exist although Rob did bring his camera and we tried to set up a photo op along the river walk. However it was February and even he will admit to be cold on that walk, so we opted to go back to the hotel and … snuggle up instead.

 

Tee sees a deer. Idaho Falls 2006

Tee sees a deer. Idaho Falls 2006

The photo was taken a few months earlier by Rob during his memorial trip for Shelley in the States. The woman is Tee. She was a friend of Shelley and Rob’s from the Mexican clinic. Rob took me to meet her that weekend. She was a special woman. Gifted with sight, in my opinion, and I apparently passed muster with her, which was important because Rob was quite fond of both she and her husband  and they, as most people who know him personally do, adored him.

Arkansas is where we spent a week and became officially engaged. And again, there are no pictures of the latter, but only because we were in bed at the time and who admits to being naked when the proposal of marriage is made -aside from me – but there is papparazzi aplenty of the trip.

 

Heading into the Bat Cave.

Heading into the Bat Cave.

This photo is us after (I think) we emerged from our caving expedition. Rob got us the nifty jump-suits from his plant because he wanted to really crawl back as far as we could go. Most people (that would not be us) are wearing civvies and flip-flops and stop about the point where things are pitch dark and quite slimy, which is early on. Not Rob and I, we stopped when I was an inch away from bats and one needs to really go back aways before one is that close to the ceiling.

 

Us, kissing in front of our cabin. Someday I want to go back there.

Us, kissing in front of our cabin. Someday I want to go back there.

I don’t know which day of the trip this was. Maybe the first full day but since I am wearing shorts, it may have been the day after I had a severe allergic reaction to some bug bites and had a horrifying rash all over the back of my legs ‘cuz I remember wearing shorts that day and I seldom wear shorts.

Regardless, it is a good piece of photographic evidence the charged nature of our trip and of the continuing business of falling. We were quite serious about getting it right. Many topics were discussed that week. All thoughtfully and with an eye to the future. How unromantic does that sound? But it actually was. 

 

Rob and I going off for pictures after the ceremony. Edde (aka ED) took this pic.

Rob and I going off for pictures after the ceremony. Edee (aka ED) took this pic.

 

It doesn’t get better than this for artifacts, does it?

My favorite wedding photo and the best day up to that point of my life and it has not proved to be one of those impossible high points whose feelings and energy fade in the harsh light of the everyday, which is not something everyone can say, and I certainly have never been able to say, about life.

The moments that are caught unawares are the most revealing and the wedding photo is one of those moments.