And Here I Am, Widow Blogging Again

widdaI really wanted to step away from all the grief stuff. Widowhood. People who date widows. Widow blogging. As I mentioned to an old friend from the YWBB days (yes, I did make friends when I was there), grief on the web anymore is about selling it. Promoting a website, a convention, a book or whatever niche business you grew out of the depths of your despair. And if you did, good on ya! Do what you love and know. But I never could get past the idea that I was taking advantage of vulnerable people by asking them to pay me for something that they needed – kindness, advice, common ground.

Now that the YWBB is in its final days, I find myself oddly drawn back in to the community. One that I never fit into really and didn’t derive much direct solace from hanging around on its edges. My aforementioned friend found herself added to a Facebook group of YWBB alumnae (and now you know that no one ever leaves high school just as you suspected and probably feared as much as I do). She in turn added me and quite a few others. It was just like a high school reunion. Right down to my not recognizing a single soul because we are all sans aliases and aside from those who really are my Facebook friends, I have never seen a picture of a single one of them. In between shock and venting (oh, some of us were a tad ragey though nothing like I remember from the YWBB’s wilder west days), stories were shared. Some I recall. Many I do not because I don’t harken back to the earliest days of the board’s existence like many of the story-tellers do. And while we reminisced, the current residents of the YWBB were scrambling to find each other off-site and two hardy members were setting up a temporary refugee board. A kind of virtual muster point that an astounding 400+ people registered at one point before a permanent home was established at Widda.

Though I sort of enjoyed the Facebook reunion group, I found myself far more concerned with the new site. The flight. The information that needed to be shared. The reformation of the group that is rather than the group that was. For me, the Internet has always been a world with real places. People dream about outer space. Space travel. My husband does and so does my middle daughter but the real alternative universes and worlds already exist and better still, we have access to them. They’re on the web. YWBB is a real place to me. Just like Babycenter was when I was there fifteen years ago now. The fact that I can’t touch it, and the method of interaction is virtual, has never stopped me from immersing, meeting, sharing and establishing very real connections and relationships with very real people. Some of whom I know now in real life – like my husband for example – and some of whom I have never even had a phone conversation with – like my YWBB and FB friend, Stella. I met Rob at the YWBB and it’s a story I’ve told countless times and in as many places, so I won’t rehash it word by word, so the board has special meaning.

When I told Rob the board was closing, he shrugged. It didn’t matter to him. He has such a profound faith in our connection that he really does believe we’d have met regardless of the board. I love this about him. But the board is still our meeting place and soon it will no longer exist. It feels just the same to me as when I learned that the Science Center in Des Moines – where my late husband and I established the relationship that would lead to marriage, baby and widowhood – had been closed. It was the week before he died and the day after he died, I went there. Parked in the empty lot and walked around to the far side of the building to stand in the spot where we were standing the evening I realized that I loved him. I just stood there and cried. Said goodbye.

I haven’t cried about the YWBB. But it has brought back memories. Sharp. Stinging. Regretful. And, as per usual, when I am faced with emotions that threaten to swamp me, I act. I shuttled information between the new board and the Facebook group. Searched the YWBB archives, took screenshots and found links that I shared. I even posted again. Lord Almighty, save me from becoming “that widow”, who hangs around the board past her “best before” date, trying to “fix” and emoting far too much. Something that I swore to the imaginary gods that I would never do. And I won’t be her. Not for much longer but as the original YWBB founders feel the need to finally drive a stake through a dying board forum (and sadly, it was dying and this new board is just the jump-start it’s been needing), I find I have just enough widow left in me to pass it backward. Give so that a new haven for young widows can become a new place for others. Sure, there are a shit-tonne of venues for the widowed, but as I mentioned, they drip with the stench of self-help conformity and commercial entrepreneurship. The beauty of the YWBB (and with luck Widda) is that it’s a community of just people. No angles. Nothing being sold or promoted. Just people who hurt, sharing and healing – hopefully – with the help of one and other. Even the worst day on the YWBB, and there were plenty of those, someone reached out and someone cared enough to answer. 24/7. 365 days a year. The board never closed and no one was ever (knowingly) turned away.

Jill is right. I should blog more.

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8 responses to “And Here I Am, Widow Blogging Again

  1. Although i didn’t find you through the YWBB, i understand your connection to it – and i also understand how the relationships we develop here in the ether are real. Real as shit! i have absolutely no doubt that the two of us could sit down over a pot of tea, and once we got past the weirdness of hearing each others actual voices, would have no trouble being connected. i’ve done it with other blog mates – sometimes in extreme circumstances – and it has worked well. Here’s to the ether, and those who make an effort to keep it healthy!

    • Yes, hearing you will be weird. I “hear” you when I read you and can’t decide whether you sound like my bff from university or Maude. You have a Maude vibe to you.

      But that pot of tea would need to be bottomless.

      • Maude is pretty close – i’m a baritone, and so far my blog mates who meet me say they are most surprised that i’m somewhat soft spoken, unless i need to use my ‘stage voice’ for something!

  2. I’m a newer YWBB’er. Lost my wife in 2013. That board was my lifeline in the early days. I was about 8 cocktails into a party when I got the first of several messages telling me of the board’s closure. Bizarrely, I was glad of the news from a personal perspective. I’m apprehensive of saying that on the new widda forum because obviously it has hurt so many members.

    In my drunken surprised haze, part of me thought this must be divine intervention, telling me that now’s the time to go it alone without the board, to accept widowhood as part of my identity, but just a small facet, and to pack up my things and move on, along with a few select wid friends. I don’t want to look at my early day posts. I don’t want to have a reminder of just how suicidal I got. I’m not going and crazily copying and pasting.

    I will stick around on widda though – they need people who love to hate the widow label.

  3. Beautifully stated! Your words really resonate with me. I’ve been struggling with so many emotions the past few days, which actually has surprised me … and like you and others, wondering where I fit in with it all at this point. I know my internal conflicts will quiet down, but this whole YWBB situation has shown me the depth, still, of my widowhood experience. Losing the ability to read my entire widowhood experience there has put me in an odd tailspin. I can’t possibly save it all, it’ll be gone as if I lost my most meanigful diaries in a house fire. And it feels like another part of my late husband is being ripped away.

    Thanks for letting me ramble here! And glad to see you blogging, no matter the subject. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • I deleted all my posts at the board with my original account. In retrospect, I am glad I did because if I were facing the loss of over a thousand posts (and yeah, there were that many), I’d be losing my mind about now.

      My feelings about the board, its loss and the new board are surprising to me because I have no attachment (perhaps more loathing) for the widow label. I couldn’t and really still have a hard time defining myself with it.

      It’s always been just an aspect of me and a brief one too because I married again the following year.

      I really want Widda to become a … success is the wrong word … but a beacon, force for good. A haven. The way the board had the potential at times to be but never had the guidance that it needed to really get there.

      Not a corporate, slick thing like Widow Village, but organic and real. A place with a soul.

      Yeah, I need to blog. Tweeting is fun but it’s not a venue that allows me to express myself fully and all I do on FB is annoy the crap out of everyone.

      Thanks for commenting. Stop by Widda. Could use your presence.

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