Just Married
Abel Keogh’s working on a follow-up to his Dating A Widower book and is looking for women who have actually married widowers and are willing to share their experiences. You can find out more information about the book and the criteria for the essays by following this link.
Rob follows Abel’s Wednesday Widower posts although mostly to read my comments and when he saw the call for submissions, he asked me if I planned to write an essay.
“I don’t think I have anything to add,” I said. “If I have anything to say about you and I, or how we ended up married or even how it went that first year, I should probably write my own book, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” he said. “Are you going to write that book – ever?”
Probably. But I am still working on the angle. Frankly, I think the whole “widowed find love again” thing is played to death despite the fact that when stories turn up in the media they elicit a great deal of cooing from the general public, which in my opinion treats the stories like freakish there but for the grace of God go I cautionary fairy tales.
I’ve been reading George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones and have been totally taken with his POV chapters. I wonder if I could write our story in a similar style? But, that would mean soliciting Edie, Mick and various other friends and relatives. Would I really want to hear their take on that first year? It’s better sometimes not to know what people were really thinking behind their party manners game faces. It’s an intriguing idea nevertheless. Or maybe it’s the dwarf.
At any rate, widowed stories are a dime a dozen and let’s face it, it’s only widowers who are “hot”. They are like unicorns below a certain age and capture the fancy and tug at heartstrings more than widows, who just another breed of single mom for the most part.*
I am still not convinced that Rob and I did anything particularly amazing despite feeling that we are amazing. My feelings are biased and they are the basis for a book anyone would read. I’ve read … tried to at any rate … other books by widowed. Mostly they focused on the first year and selling the idea that somehow grief is like learning to walk again on tree stumps. Something a person has to just learn to be okay with like any other permanent disability – only while being really brave and semi-cheerful so as not to frighten the non-grieving folk. I don’t think I could write a similar tale because being widowed is just a “shit happens” thing and moving on is what a rational person should want to do badly enough to actually choose to do it. Remarrying or not is another choice that is based partly on you, partly on luck and partly on someone else seeing things as you do.
But Rob says I am too practical a person to really see the wonder in it all, which might be true. I know I am too practical to view it as magic or destiny (outside the idea that we all have a destiny which needs are active participation to be realized here and there).
Anyway, if you are married to a widower and have words of wisdom or caution to share with other women considering or preparing to marry a widower, here’s your chance. Follow the link.
*No I haven’t forgotten that some widows are childless, but they seem to be an ever smaller sub-set of an already tiny percentage of the population and like single mom’s, they don’t inspire much enthusiasm in the general population. Everyone knows a single woman just like everyone knows a single mom. The whole extra x dooms us to known-ness and renders us uninteresting at best and stereotypical at worst.
Related articles
- Review of Abel Keogh’s Dating A Widower (anniegirl1138.com)
- Dating While Widowed: Are Widows Different From Widowers Where New Love is Concerned? (anniegirl1138.com)
- Dating While Widowed: How Soon Is Too Soon (anniegirl1138.com)
anniegirl1138 
Beautifully said. I’m kind of in the middle of magical thinking and practical thinking when it comes to G and I. I won’t bore everyone with our story, but damn, we had some crazy coincidences before meeting on the board.
But yes, people seem to view us as some unique life species in a Petrie dish, and we’re not. We’re just humans who went through something horrific, and managed to survive it. I’ve seen so many non-wids say, “I will never be with a widow/er again! Horrible people!” as if we’re all exactly the same. There are assholes of every type!
Ahh, yes, widowers as unicorns. So true. When G first joined up, and shared a beautiful picture of him and his late wife, his PM box lit up like a Christmas tree. The blatant flirting really turned him off. He wasn’t there to hook up, although we eventually did just that (he PMed me first, and like your story, it started out as a friendship before we realized, hmm, I’m falling for this person for so many reasons).
Widowhood is how we met, but not why we fell and stayed in love.
Rob was hunted like an exotic prey. It horrified him when he finally twigged to it.
Our friendship wasn’t without feelings on my part that “wow, we could make a great couple” but he’d said that he wanted to wait a year before dating and I was already on a dating site and meeting people/chatting/going out, so I kept things at friends level. Chalked it up to bad timing. Basically left it to him.
There is an interesting bit of back/forth on the new board right now about dating non-widowed. I haven’t really commented. They are mostly “new” or not many years out and still figuring it out for the most part.
There is a bit of cringe worthy notions. Like the idea that a new person is “less than” though still “wonderful” but it will “never be better than before”. And I hope they aren’t saying these things aloud to their new partners. I don’t have to imagine how much that would hurt to hear because of some of the stories shared here and elsewhere by people who’ve dated/married wids.
Most of us get past the labels and become two people in love though, I think.
Oh, yes …. I cringe at those statements, too. I’ve seen more than once, someone post: “This current person is just until I can be with my real love again.” Can you imagine?! It’s so unfair, and so very selfish.
I haven’t seen the thread mentioned, will check it out. I posted ad-nauseum about G and I years ago, so just keep quiet anymore. 😀
That kind of new person as placemarker thing was much more common when I was at YWBB. It is selfish though I think most who express this are simply not thinking from their new SO’s point of view and might be appalled with themselves if they gave it more thought.
In the blogs I have written, I take the hard line of “don’t ever do this” because if you are seeking out advice on the general web, you are ready (or should be) to tolerate reality. Some things simply aren’t okay in relationships.
I am softer (or hope I am) in stuff at the new board because it takes a while to sort out things when you decide to have another go at relationships and the board is supposed to be a place to sort without judgement.
If you write a book, I think you should write a story about the first year/living in the late wife’s place. You’ve written beautiful and thought provoking blog entries about how you’re your in her house, her neighbors and what that is like. That’s an angle not many people take and would give a fresh look to the subject.
Your steadfast practicality in the face of the wonder that is you and Rob makes me smile.
I just feel strongly that when we elevate the act of moving on to something worthy of wonder it discourages other people in similar situations from even trying or gives them an excuse not to try at all. Moving on should be viewed as normal and attainable by all who make the choice to do so.
Mmhmmm. But you and Rob are wonderful together, and that is good, regardless of how you got there. And your practicality is such a good foil for my naiveté (unbridled optimism?)- love that.