Memories

Light the corners of my mind is I think how it goes, but there are spaces I would just as soon leave dark. But I live in the world and I roam far and wide, both in real time and on the blogosphere, and I run across people and situations that cause lights to go on in rooms I never purposely visit anymore.

I was reading a blog, as is my wont, and the blogger mentioned that a remarried friend’s husband is very ill. This friend is pregnant and, coincidentally, about as far along as I was with BabyD when I realized that Will was sick.  I didn’t know how sick or what was wrong, and it would take well over a year to convince doctors that I was right and they were wrong, but that’s when it all began. And I remembered how it felt to be pregnant and know that your husband was very sick, and I felt terribly for this woman whom I don’t even know.

And it plays too into my worst fears of “what if?” because this woman has been down the road before and like me, and Rob, took a chance when she fell in love again and embarked on a new life. We do this knowingly, but with our fingers crossed behind our backs and buoyed by the odds that most couples do not experience the death of a partner young and that our first experiences bucked that trend and the odds of it happening again are very low.

But it isn’t impossible.

Bad things happen. Sometimes over and over and to people who are wonderful and undeserving in every way imaginable.

This just highlights a nagging fear that I never quite manage to lock the closet door on.

4 responses to “Memories

  1. There is so much we have no control over. We do the best we can, and sometimes life still goes terribly wrong. The support of friends certainly helps make a tough time a bit easier.

  2. Time and chance overtake us all, don’t they? And we have to go on, just as you did. And those doors we seek to lock now may one day open against our will even if we managed to shut them.

  3. That nagging fear and the question I asked, “Why bother? Why even try?”

    S’s situation just slams me up against that wall of fear and dread and pointlessness. As she wrote in her comment on my post, there is so much to say but just no words.

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