Lisa Kogan writes a regular column for O magazine. She tries to tackle a variety of issues in a humorous manner, and she usually fails…..to be funny though she certainly does cover diverse ground. In the September issue she ponders what type of man she could see herself getting involved with if something ….fatal…..befell her boyfriend of just over a year. For the record, she promises to mourn a respectful amount of time before falling madly in love with someone else.

 The widow in me was a bit appalled by the author’s choice of topics. Replacing your spouse or SO isn’t possible. People are too unique, and each person in your life from the most significant to the most casual of encounters offers you something that no one else can. Still, I understand from where this morbid exercise comes. It’s impossible sometimes to not worry about the future. To “what if” and wonder how you would cope with the natural consequences of being mortal, but unless you’ve been there the best you can do are fanciful projections like Ms. Kogan’s column which probably includes a Hollywood-like funeral, catered and the widow all decked out in designer black garb being surreptitiously observed from across the room by the hot best friend in an open-collared shirt. Actually, that might already be a movie. The reality though is not quite that picturesque or titillating, but why would someone who hasn’t been widowed imagine anything that wouldn’t make a great romantic dramedy?

The reality is that if Ms.Kogan’s relationship stands the test of time, either she or he will be widowed at some point. Later if they are the norm after a long wonderful life together. And, if they are as smart as they are in love, they will have planned for this if only by remembering to purchase life insurance for each other and write a basic will to ensure that the survivor will have one less thing to struggle with when that day comes.

My late husband and I didn’t have a will. He was 25 and I was 35 when we married and we foolishly thought it was something that could wait. Foolish. After he got sick, I made a will and took precautions such as purchasing life insurance for myself that wasn’t tied to my employment and appointing guardians for our child. Rob and his wife also had no will though Shelley had brought the topic up. How common is this? Very. A rather sizable number of adults, married or in long term relationships with assets and properties and debt and even children, don’t plan for the “what if” of the unexpected of their partner. Somehow, learning that I was part of a majority almost but didn’t make my earlier mistakes easier to take. 

Rob and I have talked wills, P.O.A., health care directives and living wills from the time we began planning for our wedding. We both understood the importance of making sure each other and our children were protected and taken care of in the event of …..well……something neither of us care to spend too much time thinking about but both know is the inevitable outcome of what we fervently hope will be long lives for us all. 

Today we went into the city to meet with a lawyer. I realize that a lawyer’s job in cases like ours is to point out the possible pitfalls of estate planning in a second marriage, but the woman was seriously doom and gloom on the subject of our future widow-hoods. She walked us through several options, gave us her opinion of what would work best and sent us on our way with homework to do before we meet again to draw up the documents. Our conversation about these options took us down the elevator, across to the Starbucks and lasted until we drove out of the parking garage with time to spare for shared bites of a yummy nut-free piece of carrot cake in the bargain. Not to be flippant, but we had discussed much of this before. We aren’t teenagers, even if we occasionally act like we are. Marriage is more than hearts and flowers. Finances and bills are just as important as romantic dinners and cuddling in front of The Daily Show. 

I don’t like to think about what I would do if something happened to Rob although I do know and so does he. I don’t like that I am aware of how important it is that we talk to each other about this subject. It’s one of those things you know going into a second marriage that more people should think about before they enter their first, but that’s just my opinion.