If I could figure out what to do next I would post it on every widow’s board I could Google up. I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer though. Widowhood is no different from any other experience in life except that it hurts a lot more like a hot poker on bare flesh – forever searing. What do I want? I haven’t really sat down and had a talk with myself about that. Seriously. Just really thought about it. Like I had to do in the graduate class that gave me the two year plan I used to survive the bulk of Will’s illness. If money weren’t an object and my daughter wasn’t an issue to deal with – where would I go? What would I be or do? I work with this guy. He and his wife plan to move to England in the next couple of years with their two sons. I was telling him how I wished I could just pull up and go – live in New York or San Francisco. He said, then go. I said, no – I have a child. What would we do for money, health ins … He cut me off. Just go, he said, if you want to do it – do it. Nothing is really stopping you but details and details can always be worked out. And he was right. I am stopping me from moving on. Me. So. What do I want? It doesn’t need an answer tonight or tomorrow or even in a month. But, it is really past time to think about it. Because, the answer to that question is what will illuminate the details I need to start sorting through. I worry that time is continuing to pass me by at the speed of sound at the very least. I will be 43 in December and though 60 is the new forty and my teenage students assure me that I truly still look 35, I can’t help but remember that 5 years ago I thought I had my future planned. I have been off-road too long.