thinking about dating again as a widow

I have never had much use for New Year’s resolutions. They are usually lightweight and things that a person should be doing anyway or too big to just impose on a whim dictated by the calendar. But, this is an important year.

For me anyway.

I am not going to call them resolutions but goals that I need to work towards now that I am ending a year without Will and starting to seriously consider what shape my life should start to take.

I am at a crossroads with my career – which I hesitate to call it because I am not someone who has ever defined herself by her job. I have a job. It is one of the things that is required of you as a grown-up. I am lucky that I have nearly always enjoyed teaching but it simply funds my life, nothing more.

So, how can I be a crossroads?

I need to decide if it remains a job or becomes a career, I think.

Lately, I have been thinking that perhaps I will not remarry. My single years vastly outnumber my married ones and even my married years when boiled down to an active state of give/take between two people are just a bit more than an eyeblink. I wonder if I truly want to live with a man again and put in the time and effort, make the compromises.

But if I don’t, what fills up that time. My daughter?

Most certainly, but even though she insists she will live with me forever she won’t.

Friends? I have a few and am going to make it a priority to expand my horizons in the coming months.

Family? I think I have struck a happy balance there. I am not going to move home. My sisters are more than capable of taking care of our parents and I think it is time I stepped back from the role of family rock anyway.

So, I need to decide about the career. A career is a labor of love you happen to be paid for too. Is that what I want? I am going to think about it.

I mentioned broadening my circle of friends and that is also a goal for the year. I have acquired yet another babysitting prospect which seems more hopeful than prospects past. If she pans out then I am going to work to find activities to attend, and fun things to do that will help me break out and be a grown-up again.

Finally, I need to decide if I am living in the right place. Assess my compatibility with the area and its occupants. Have my realtor, Tanis, give me a good assessment of the house in case I decide to pull up stakes.

Goals. Things to work on. Positive and necessary. Nothing that requires superhuman willpower or club dues.

So, today I did something mildly social. I went to the Taste of Des Moines. It is like Taste of Chicago only smaller, much smaller and not as cool. My husband and I used to work one of the concessions there years ago when we belonged to a local Jaycee chapter.

I went with my friend, Vicki. Going anywhere with Vick guarantees that I will pay at least partial attention to my surroundings because she pays close attention and it rubs off. We ran into people I had not seen since the wake. Before that I had not seen any of these people in two years or more. Most since before Will got sick.
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