making plans to move on after a death

Resolutions


I have never had much use for New Year’s resolutions. They are usually lightweight and things that a person should be doing anyway or too big to just impose on a whim dictated by the calendar. But, this is an important year.

For me anyway.

I am not going to call them resolutions but goals that I need to work towards now that I am ending a year without Will and starting to seriously consider what shape my life should start to take.

I am at a crossroads with my career – which I hesitate to call it because I am not someone who has ever defined herself by her job. I have a job. It is one of the things that is required of you as a grown-up. I am lucky that I have nearly always enjoyed teaching but it simply funds my life, nothing more.

So, how can I be a crossroads?

I need to decide if it remains a job or becomes a career, I think.

Lately, I have been thinking that perhaps I will not remarry. My single years vastly outnumber my married ones and even my married years when boiled down to an active state of give/take between two people are just a bit more than an eyeblink. I wonder if I truly want to live with a man again and put in the time and effort, make the compromises.

But if I don’t, what fills up that time. My daughter?

Most certainly, but even though she insists she will live with me forever she won’t.

Friends? I have a few and am going to make it a priority to expand my horizons in the coming months.

Family? I think I have struck a happy balance there. I am not going to move home. My sisters are more than capable of taking care of our parents and I think it is time I stepped back from the role of family rock anyway.

So, I need to decide about the career. A career is a labor of love you happen to be paid for too. Is that what I want? I am going to think about it.

I mentioned broadening my circle of friends and that is also a goal for the year. I have acquired yet another babysitting prospect which seems more hopeful than prospects past. If she pans out then I am going to work to find activities to attend, and fun things to do that will help me break out and be a grown-up again.

Finally, I need to decide if I am living in the right place. Assess my compatibility with the area and its occupants. Have my realtor, Tanis, give me a good assessment of the house in case I decide to pull up stakes.

Goals. Things to work on. Positive and necessary. Nothing that requires superhuman willpower or club dues.

What Do I Want?


If I could figure out what to do next I would post it on every widow’s board I could Google up. I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer though. Widowhood is no different from any other experience in life except that it hurts a lot more like a hot poker on bare flesh – forever searing. What do I want? I haven’t really sat down and had a talk with myself about that. Seriously. Just really thought about it. Like I had to do in the graduate class that gave me the two year plan I used to survive the bulk of Will’s illness. If money weren’t an object and my daughter wasn’t an issue to deal with – where would I go? What would I be or do? I work with this guy. He and his wife plan to move to England in the next couple of years with their two sons. I was telling him how I wished I could just pull up and go – live in New York or San Francisco. He said, then go. I said, no – I have a child. What would we do for money, health ins … He cut me off. Just go, he said, if you want to do it – do it. Nothing is really stopping you but details and details can always be worked out. And he was right. I am stopping me from moving on. Me. So. What do I want? It doesn’t need an answer tonight or tomorrow or even in a month. But, it is really past time to think about it. Because, the answer to that question is what will illuminate the details I need to start sorting through. I worry that time is continuing to pass me by at the speed of sound at the very least. I will be 43 in December and though 60 is the new forty and my teenage students assure me that I truly still look 35, I can’t help but remember that 5 years ago I thought I had my future planned. I have been off-road too long.