family

Updating My Dear Readers


Looks like my sixth revision is the charmed one and will go off in the post today. I hacked about 600 words from it. It was very heavy with exposition, mainly backstory. The original was not part of a series of short stories though now, I think, it is on the verge of being a novel.

Sometimes characters and situations just spring to life and take over.

Life in the non-drenched corner of Iowa is still precarious. It seems my youngest sister, her son and her son’s dad (who is not my ex-brother in law despite the fact that I grant in law status to my brother’s ex  – and that is such a long and trailer parkish story it should get a blog post of it’s own, so remind me someday) descended on my folk’s home because nephew wants to move back in.

Quick backstory. My sister was living in a hovel with nephew. At his 15 month check-up it was discovered that he had high lead levels. Not a surprise. Their living arrangements redefined the word “dump”. Living in a parked car would have been a step up.

So I (yes it was me and my parents NEVER let me forget that) convinced the parental units to let BabySis and Nephew move in. It was not supposed to be a permanent arrangement.

They just moved out at the beginning of the month (not quite 13 years later).

BabySis is in Wisconsin with her boyfriend to whom she has been engaged for the last six years. He is the one who knocked her up the first time back during her junior year of high school. Their daughter mercifully escaped being raised by them and last we knew was quite happy with her adoptive family. She is twenty-two. Boyfriend took up with BabySis again after a hiatus of sixteen years. During his wanderings he actually had dealings with my CrazyBrother in California. CrazyBrother called home when he spotted Boyfriend and offered to have friends “take care of him”. My parents declined. See what happens when you are good Catholics?

Boyfriend is a drunk. He has lost his driver’s license so many times that he has given up driving and rides a lawnmower to his job on a dairy farm. Although he has managed to get arrested driving drunk on that too. They can’t prohibit you from exercising your right to ride a LawnBoy however.

Nephew went to live with his father. He was excited and really wanted to go but is homesick now and forced his dad to drive him the 70 some miles to my folks to try and convince them to let him move home.

This is what Nephew does when he is living with my parents. Anything he fucking wants.

So BabySis, BioDad and Nephew proceeded to shatter the calm of my parents home with a knock down that lasted a couple of hours, reduced my mom to tears and guaranteed that dad would get upset and short of breath to the point where he was needing O2.

Fun times. I am so looking forward to next week.

I only discovered the doings because I called to check up on them and to let them know that CrazyBrother was physically okay. After I hung up, I called DNOS and told her what was going on. She headed over to the folks immediately to make sure that Nephew went home with BioDad.

Nephew is home with BioDad. BabySis is home with LawnMowerMan. All is once again on the functioning side of dysfunction on the WestEnd.

Did I mention that I finished my story and am sending it back to the magazine?

Well then, next there’s the packing – overpacking really. How do some people manage to travel with just a suitcase? One freaking suitcase?

I have three right now on the bed and two are full. This will not do.

So, packing. Blogging. Basking in the glow of a finished story that just might be published. And relieved that we will not get to my parents’ and find BabySis and Nephew. Just that damn bird he left behind. He named it Princess and then it got the other bird pregnant.

Five more days. Then I could be live blogging all this. Better than reality tv.

Family


Just when it seems we have enough familial dysfunction, we marry, inviting a whole new set of relatives onto the playing field.

With Will I was embarrassed at first about the state of what made up my immediate family. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about and after I met his family I would understand why. And I did. My family looked like the Waltons next to his and as I got to know them I realized that the relative normality of my family in comparison to his was a selling point for him.

Rob’s visiting sister reminds me of a cross between my own youngest sister and my late husband’s mother because like them, she needs the mess that is her life. The chaos. The uncertainty. The failure. The isolation. It feeds some basic need. Like them too, she is a turn on the dime type emotionally. So though I was prepared for the worst, we got pleasant and conversational last evening when Rob brought her home. Her. Not the kids. They were at the Super 8 over near the gym where I work out. It seems they were in need of “real” food to eat and unrestricted cable television access. I am guessing here but a day on foot probably didn’t go over well and the hotel was some kind of material “I’m sorry” but that would just be a guess based on my years as a public school teacher. I worked with a lot of families similar to theirs.

She was gone bright and early today and will be staying at the hotel tonight too. We have plans to meet them for dinner out (never high on my list of things to do anymore because of the whole not being able to eat much that is on the menu thing) and then they will take off back to Regina on Saturday morning.

I spent some of the afternoon today re-telling this tale to a friend after we’d taken our kids sliding, and she told me a bit about her siblings. Then her husband got up to get ready to go to his job – as he is working nights this week – and added a story or two about his own family. Perhaps the “good kids” in each family are programmed to look for each other in the wide world and form families. Social Darwinism in action? But I wouldn’t want to presume and call myself the good child. I just paid attention and learned my lessons and everyone else’s too.

The important thing tonight is that our home is now ours again and we won’t be making the extended visitor mistake again. I am not sure what it is that makes us think that people we didn’t get along with as children will make for great friends or guests when we are adults. Perhaps it is a Walton thing. We are fed images of families that love and bond no matter the differences in their natures and world views and we think that could be us. I think it works that way naturally for some as time tempers them and their memories but not for most.

Happy 2008!


Last New Year’s Eve found me on the computer at midnight after an earlier dinner out with my friends, Vicki and C.J. At one point in the evening two gentlemen were sending us drinks but while Vicki egged them on, I just felt as though they were pushing in where they were not wanted – at least by me. As I cruised the net into the wee hours I would periodically check my mail for a message from Rob. He had said he would write when he got back from B.C. where he spent Christmas with the girls and in-laws. I found the following message from him:

Ann,

Just checking in to see how your holidays and New Year went. I have to confess that I already know a bit from reading your latest blog entries – I hope you don’t mind? Anyways, I hope it was as good as it could be for you and Katy. I trust that Santa was good to her.

I have to confess also that I continue to be a bit surprised and amazed at how you articulate (in your posts and in your blogs) much of what I find myself thinking these days. That whole new widow/hollow eye thing at Katy’s grief group – that’s kind of how I feel about new members on ywbb. I find myself avoiding those forums, those posts. I just can’t spare any more of me to share that much pain, I guess.

The holidays passed well enough for me and my girls. We spent just the right amount of time (maybe a bit too much) with Shelley’s sister on the coast (of BC); after a few days, well let’s just say that a few days is enough. Got to do some of the usual things while there – one day a couple of hours kayaking along the coast with BIL, a couple of days hiking in the nearby parks. I’ve been placing some of Shelley’s ashes at select places – places that held special meaning to her or us or were just her favourite places. I found two more such places while visiting on the coast. Travel was uneventful both ways for the most part – weather cooperated and highways were good enough. At least, we stayed on the road and that’s what counts.

Interesting event last night. After we got home, the girls both departed for their respective NYE plans and I called and begged off from where I had been invited – too tired after 12 hours of driving. I was doing a little e-mail and internetting (that damned addiction) and a little after midnight (my time) the phone rings. Who could that be? Turns out it was my new ywbb friend – calling to wish me a happy new year. It was a bit awkward given that we haven’t spoken before – just e-mail and IM. I am amazed at her courage, but I will say it was nice to have someone call out of the blue to say they were thinking of me. Since I don’t really have that anymore.

Well, I’m starting to run to the maudlin here, so will close for now. I’m hoping for better things in the new year. Starting back to work tomorrow morning (if I can get up at 6 am……). And organizing a ‘bago dinner for the weekend after next will take up a bit of time. Not to mention the butterflies that go along with meeting a group of new people, widows no less.

Again, hope the holidays went well and wishing you and Katy all the best for 2007!

Take care.
Rob

I replied.

Rob,

Glad your holiday went well. No I don’t mind that you
read the blog. I am trying not to neglect it the way I
did last month. I need to write and get back to
working through the knots in my novel. Need to make
more of an effort to stay away from YWBB as it is
sucking up time I could use for more productive
pursuits. A goal for the new year. I have pretty much
given up the other widows’ site in the UK that I also
visited, so I can probably give this one up too. It
either swamps me with other people’s grief or makes me
feel guilty for not grieving enough. Chat is boring
me. IM is starting to annoy me with it’s impersonal
feel as well.

Lucky you to get a phone call. I am going to guess
that this was not your train wreck friend. It’s nice
to have someone real to talk to and who cares enough
to check up. I got a call too, but I am not as pysched
about it.

It sounds like you had fun last week with some
favorite activities. That’s good. You probably need
that before starting back to work. I am impressed with
the time and care and thought you have put into your
memorializing. I had thought about scattering some of
Will’s ashes but couldn’t bring myself to open the
container or keep any in the house. I sleep with the
lights on too often as it is. I hope you don’t mind
that I read your posts about your trip in the fall. It
was interesting. I looked up the pictures too. Made me
smile. Will always wore a cap. Pittsburgh Steelers. He
would have loved the truck too.

The bago CJ is planning is at the end of the month.
She doesn’t think we will have many people but that’s
okay. You have to start somewhere. Meanwhile, we have
the Governor’s ball on the 12th. Music and dancing. I
am hoping that I won’t be as reticent as I was last
night with the two guys bought us drink. I need
practice I suppose.

School starts Wednesday. I am hoping to be there but I
have been in bed nearly all day with something. I feel
awful and can’t decide if it is flu or bronchitis. I
will probably try to see my doctor in the morning. I
didn’t want to risk the walk-in clinic today. You can
sit for hours on a holiday and that just increases the
odds of catching something nastier on top of what you
have already. Next week is finals which is an easy
week.

Have a good day tomorrow.
Ann

Not exactly the stuff of romance novels, but that wasn’t to be us for a while yet.

Last night we shared a midnight kiss in the bathroom doorway because we lost track of the time getting ready for bed and there were teenagers prowling about yet. We finished one of the most depressing dvd’s to date (a difficult feat, believe me) called Winter Passing with Ed Harris, Will Ferrell and Zooey Deschanel. Suicide. Widowhood. Complicated grieving. More – almost – suicide. You know, typical happy new year stuff. I have to shrug and laugh a bit as we keep the streak of downer movies alive.

This morning it was just the three of us – Rob, Katy and I – at breakfast. Our guest were still slumbering. Tea, smoothies, fresh cherries and pancakes. Topped off by a team effort (minus Katy) to complete the NY Times crossword (I think they threw us a bone for the end of the year).

My sister-in-law emerged from the guest row in full woe-is-me ultra-apologetic form. We countered her with the bright side and she retreated again. You just can’t throw to much of the light of practicality on people who are determined to feel neglected and cursed by the universe.

As the afternoon begins we are making are escape for the city. Rob has been hauling junk out of the basement and garage for a week or so now and stuff needs to go before our yard takes on to much of a white trash aura. I am writing and finishing up my scanning of the Canadian Writer’s Market book that I got from Rob for Christmas. I am paying particular attention to those publications which inform one that “we can’t pay for submissions right now” but pleas submit anyway. Those suit me best as I can’t be paid until I have my PR status approved in another, hopefully, three-ish months.

A quiet afternoon in the truck tooling the city and then home to the dry sauna, shower and partake of the yummy homemade soy-chicken soup I have going in the slow-cooker. Sis-in-law and children made it to the grocery story yesterday as they have tired of being polite and eating our organic, healthy fare. I was telling Rob right before they arrived that I am growing impatient with the idea that I must bend to the eating habits of the world in general even in my own home. My many food intolerance’s are not of any concern to the world. Whenever we eat out or eat at someone’s home, I am forced to pick and forage as I may. Let them “eat cake” when they come to visit me is my new motto.

So, a Happy New Year to all who are reading this. A special thanks to Marsha and Sally my most faithful readers and commenters who keep me grounded with their wisdom. Also a welcome to The Girl Left Behind and a thank you for reading. Finally, an “I love you” to my Rob – my editor and biggest fan.

My horoscope for 2007 informed me that the year would be one on the order of great. This year’s prediction is much the same. I wonder if we make these predictions a reality through belief, hard work or both?