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Starting Over – Three Years On


Three years ago this last weekend, we finished packing the U-haul and headed for Canada.

Three years.

People thought we were crazy, but most of them were polite enough not to say so. After all, I was leaving my country of birth to be an email-order bride to a Canadian fellow I’d known for barely six months and whose first wife hadn’t been dead for even a year yet.

I was barely widowed myself. Just shy of a year and a half since the passing of my late husband.

I quit my teaching job of twenty years just when I was beginning to make what most people would call “good money”, sold my house, pretty much gave away all my possessions – just an aside, people were actually begging me to take money from them for things but it didn’t feel right. The payment I did agree to was minimal and even that felt “off”.

I’ve never claimed that it was easy-peasy. Relocating. Remarrying. Starting life over from scratch in many respects. Though I didn’t share the bumps. Potholes and such are private and there are limits to what even I will share online. But I’ve never regretted, barely questioned and have been amply rewarded for my efforts.

Rob’s efforts too.

We drove forever to get here. Dee and I were not seasoned Canadian road warriors then and it was painful.

And I wouldn’t say that we are completely moved in yet. It’s not easy combining lives and four people’s stuff plus three children’s is a lot for an 1100-ish square foot house. The ghosts alone take up most of the upstairs and large chunks of the basement.

Not kidding about the ghosts. *

And we are not rooted yet. Oh, the family part has dug in tendrils that expand continually but the physical adjustments continue. Twice we’ve come close to relocating outside Canada and Texas still looms, casting its shadow periodically over the future.

But three years ago, people were betting against us and we were just stubborn enough and sure enough of ourselves to ignore them. Good on us.

*The lights on the night-stands are up to their old tricks again. Lights usually mean illness or a death is in the offing. I find my light on as I rushed about getting ready to camp this last weekend. Fully expected to come home to a message that someone had died. Thankfully, no. But I really wish our dearly departed were not so intent on this early warning system they’ve come up with.

If You Ever Had Enough


I found this on a yoga blog.

What I have now, probably for the first time ever in my life, is enough.

I am not complacent about it.

I recognize that relationships are active and therefore require tending. I know that nothing about the strata of society I occupy is immune to disaster.

But in societal terms I have come to recognize as my norm, what I have is plenty. There isn’t a single thing or experience I lack. My emotional well brims and is replenished continually.

Perhaps this is what has been nagging at me of late.

My conscious mind – conditioned as it has been by years of North America consumer driven life-style and middle-class faux career ambition – feels I am not working hard enough to be … what? I don’t know. My inner-self has been quite weepy about it in a pushed around little girl sort of way.

She knows we have enough. Time to acknowledge it and let a few things go.

I have dreams. Modest and unassuming. But they are not deal-breakers for me and really never were.

I have enough. It’s almost verboten to say that out loud as many people fear it invites the active mocking of the fates. That’s flatly ridiculous. Nothing is permanent and fate has nothing to do with that anyway.

If you ever had enough, could you recognize it?

A fair question.

Scarlet’s Meme


I was tagged by Unbearable Banishment who was tagged by Leah, who was tagged by Scarlet. The mission – to answer the 10 questions written by UB. In turn, I am to write 10 questions of my own and tag six people. As my per usual, I consider tagging optional and invite those who care to do so to play along in the comment box here or take it to their home turf and tag back.

1. George Bush. Lindsay Lohan. Dick Cheney. You have to sleep with one, marry one and kill one.

Ugh, this is just an awful question. I simply can’t kill anyone for being un-evolved. And it’s very un-yoga. I wouldn’t want to sleep with any of them but I have Rob, so there isn’t a need for me to even ponder the idea. And, of course, Rob relieves me of the whole “marrying anyone” thing.

Seriously, Bush is probably just banal evil whereas Cheney is pure evil by choice and poor Lindsay was raised  Beverly Hillbilly style and never stood a chance.

2. Would you prefer a comfortable relationship that was passionless or a torrid affair that’s riddled with angst and uncertainty?

I am certain that neither of those things is even possible for me at this point in my life though I did the latter as a younger, much dumber, woman. Minus the “torrid” because .. well … I just didn’t know any better or know myself well enough to insist on what I deserved.

3. What is your drink of choice?

Alcoholic? Because I can’t drink these days between sulphites and my pesky tendency to migraines. When just a few sips makes you ill, really, what’s the point? Not that there was a point back in the day, but it was easier when the nasty side-effects were a night’s sleep away.

I drink tea. I prefer it hot and sweetened. Chai if it’s available but I’ll make do with whatever is on hand.


4. Would you rather work an interesting job that was low-paying and be under constant financial duress, or have a comfortable lifestyle with a job that wasn’t very satisfying (but not a nightmare)?

I think I’ve done both – and with the same job – but at different points in my career. When I first started teaching, I made $18, 200 a year. It was an awesome job back in the days before standardized testing, NCLB and Race to the Top. I had autonomy and could make it as interesting and fun as I pleased. The last five years of my teaching career I was finally making money enough to be comfortable – not rich – but I didn’t worry much (dying husband and medical crap aside). But gawd, it was boring. Hemmed in by all sorts of idiotic rules and oversight. I tried to make it as fun as I could, but the wiggle room was less and less every year.

Money is awesome. There’s no substitute for the ease and freedom associated with having money in the bank and bills that are paid, but a boring job really has to be weighed heavily before you commit to that route.


5. You are boarding a plane tomorrow morning. Where are you going?

In no scenario I can think of  – short of someone dying or being near death – would I be getting on a plane. Have you forgotten who I am? I loathe air travel. Even for fun. Even if someone else was footing the bill.

But, if I could take off tomorrow for somewhere?

I have no friggin’ idea. Really. None. I don’t really think much about traveling too far away. Ask Rob. He’ll say,

“Where do you want to go for summer holiday?”

“Oh,” I’ll reply, “I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”

Travel is good. Staying home is a tiny bit better.


6. What was the last piece of music you purchased?

People still buy music? I get music from Rob and he … um … is Canadian. ‘Nuff said. But I did get an iTunes card last year and downloaded a bunch of pop rock and bad country stuff. There was Nickelback and Ludacris in the mix – I think – and quit judging me because I don’t care what the “hip” factor is on my music. That’s just too high school and faux cool to the point of actively being a poser.


7. If a book isn’t working for you, do you hang on hoping for redemption or bail out?

I ‘m done. No question. Life is full of great writing and I don’t waste my time or limited brain capacity on less than ideal prose.


8. Is it easy for you to admit when you’re wrong? Let’s be honest here.

Out loud? Kidding. I will eventually. First, I have to realize that I’m wrong. That’s what takes time.


9. Do you think fame is a useful tool or more trouble than it’s worth? If it came knocking on your door, would you open it?

Fame is useful but using it in a useful manner can be troublesome. If if came knocking, I’d make use of it.

10. Fill in the blank. I wish my parents had not __________.

I’m not going to second guess them. Mostly because I can only view their lives – that part which I was around for – from the perspective of a child and that is not very sharp hindsight, imo.

My questions now:

1. If your life was a romantic comedy, where would it be set?

2. Standing up or lying down? Context – subjective.

3. Which Star Trek era would you live in – provided that Star Trek was real and time travel was real and … you know … it was a geeky thing to contemplate even in the abstraction of a meme? Prequel? Original? or Next Generation?

4. Shower or bath?

5. Current event that most affects your actual life?

6. Celebrity crush? (celebrity being relative)

7. Do you read the novel or wait for the film version?

8. Bottled water or tap?

9. How prepared are you for the next Armageddon (keeping in mind that “the end of the world” is also relative and subjective in our modern times)?

10. If you could claim citizenship anywhere on the planet, where would it be and why?