Lisa Kogan writes a regular column for O magazine. She tries to tackle a variety of issues in a humorous manner, and she usually fails…..to be funny though she certainly does cover diverse ground. In the September issue she ponders what type of man she could see herself getting involved with if something ….fatal…..befell her boyfriend of just over a year. For the record, she promises to mourn a respectful amount of time before falling madly in love with someone else. Read Full Article
remarriage of widowed people
I wrote to Will’s mother over the weekend. She had sent a birthday card to Katy, and it was forwarded to our new address. Typically, the letter inside was addressed to my five year old but actually meant for me. The things she writes are calculated to induce guilt because she sees herself as the ultimate victim of Will’s illness and death. I can understand her discounting how everything has affected me, but she discounts completely how it has changed Katy and her life too. Katy is simply an accessory from her grandmother’s point of view.
I knew the card was coming. I knew I was going to have to reply and finally clue her ,and the other in-laws, in about the changes in my life. What I wrote was fairly matter of fact, and I told them only what they needed to know about Rob, the move, and our life here, and that wasn’t much. I don’t know why I feel I need to protect us from them. But even Will’s father’s family seems tainted to me now. Though they could be selfish and indifferent, they were never cruel. I know what they say about marrying a person’s family, but I don’t believe that any tie to another person or group of people allows them free and easy access. People need to earn the right to be a part of your life. No one is exempt. I have a brother who I kept at arm’s length or better for many, many years because of his self-destructive behaviors, and I still give my youngest sister a wide berth because of her self-absorbed ways.
I set the record straight with Will’s mother. She knew the boundaries already, I think, but now they are spelled out. I didn’t put them forth in anger, although I am still angry with her about the many incidents that took place those last three months and especially that last weekend. She knows she can write but is on notice about the appropriateness of the content. If she is writing to Katy then it needs to be the types of things grandmothers write to their little granddaughters and not veiled messages for me. I will not put up with the intermediaries she has used in the past to avoid having to speak or communicate with me directly. And, I included some photos of Katy. It was the right thing to do even if her grandmother has never done much more than use her as a prop in the elaborate drama that she prefers over living a real life.
I wish I could feel more empathy, or even pity, for the woman, but I don’t. Even Will had a hard time with that and his main reason for keeping contact amounted to not much more than guilt and obligation. Still, she was his mother and I will do this much for his sake. It’s really him that I owe this too.
Yesterday was 4 weeks since Rob and I married. Tomorrow is the official one month anniversary. My mother-in-law called yesterday to see how I was doing and wish us a happy one month. My aunt sent us a card that arrived today. Rob and I have been…..um….busy ….being newlyweds. Among other things. Like the continual sorting and purging of stuff, getting ready for Katy’s birthday and our trip West Yellowstone over the long weekend that is coming up soon. And there is, of course, the immigration paperwork to make sense of with its hoops and hurdles and appointments to make.
In between all these we managed to score a real live babysitter and go out on a real date last weekend. Dinner in the city. A visit to the pub after. Snuggling and nuzzling for the whole world to see and wonder why people as old as we are couldn’t do that sort of thing in the privacy of their own home.
Today while I was folding laundry and marveling at the number of t-shirts my husband not only owns but manages to go through every week, I reminded myself that I love to see Rob in a t-shirt and jeans. He is the least clothes conscious person I know. Clothes are a necessity and he treats them as such. Maybe that is why he looks so incredibly good in jeans and a t-shirt. He is easily the sexiest man I know and his demeanor has a lot to do with it. So sure of himself and who he is under his skin that everything he wears takes on a self-confident aura that is powerful and attractive.
He sent me a mushy email today. Well, mushy and blatantly suggestive. Since so much of our early courtship took place with him at the computer in his office and me at the computer in my classroom, I have this mental image of what he must look like as he sits there typing away. Jeans and t-shirt, except on days he has big meetings. Bright blue eyes. “Gin and Juice” playing in the background. That smile he smiles at me when he is thinking something naughty. And I can’t wait to see him. The anticipation hasn’t changed or abated and I wonder if it will over time, as it seems to for so many people, and I doubt it highly.
Happy One Month Anniversary, my Love.
