Dating While Widowed: Support for the Remarried Widowed


Marriage

Updated July 28, 2014: If you have followed the link provided by a widower on the YWBB in response to the most recent dust-up in the Social Situations forum, you need to know that I am NOT referring to E in the following post. In fact, at the time I wrote this post, E hadn’t been posting at the YWBB as E or under any other aka for some time (that I am aware of).

This post chronicles one of the periodic flame-fests that breaks out in the YWBB forums. Such incidents date all the way back to its earliest days and though they can be unsettling to newbies (and irritating to old hands) like all things, they pass.

The widows behaving badly I was discussing here have, as far as I know, moved on to other venues because there are a lot more of them now than there were back when I was first widowed in 2006 or when E was widowed several years before that.

The old timer culprit I reference was someone who took a lot of joy in harassing my husband and I after other board members learned of our relationship and engagement. She was good at playing the contrition game and so managed to kick a lot of shit before her bouncing in 2012, but as far as I can tell, she no longer posts at the YWBB.

I believe that in the thread where this link to my blog is found, a few other old-timers – who were veterans when I was though not friends of mine – have explained E’s history and how she was stalked and bullied in her early days at the YWBB. However, I don’t think they noted that the culprits were never punished or banned, and that not one of them has ever really apologized (again to my knowledge) to E for what they did to her.

I knew E as Elysia when I roamed the forums at YWBB. I found her to be eccentric and pointed, but she was one of the few who ever had my back when I was being hounded and I still appreciate that.

So, long story short – E is not the widow you are looking for. Move along.

 

Someone’s google search term landed them here a couple of days ago as he (or more likely “she”) scoured the virtual world for a “support forum for remarried widows”.  For her sake, I wish I could post a few links to help out, but the sad truth is that nothing much exists.  There are widow boards here, there and near everywhere.  Widow blogs ad nauseum.  But if you were widowed and have moved on to a new relationship or even marriage, it’s s.o.l. for you.

Most of the boards I have seen really are loathe to set up special forums for the those who’ve moved on. Partly it’s because they want to discourage the popular notion that one can’t really say they’ve moved on until they’ve hooked up again, but the bigger reason is that many of those widowed, who either haven’t found a new mate or have no interest in doing so, are vicious to the point of bat shit crazy about remarried widows.  Despite lip service to the contrary, even widowed believe that falling in love again and remarrying is some sort of magical healing that erases the painful memories and renders a remarried widow immune to the occasional sad thought or longing.  In some ways, widowed can be just as clueless as those who have never been.

Some remarried widowed folk hide or downplay their new marital status so they can remain part of the online widowed communities.  More often they simply walk away and deal quietly and alone with issues as they come up.  And mostly it’s women.  We make up the majority of those widowed anyway but, regardless, I think it is harder for women to not have the outlet because we are socialized from an early age to seek out and share with those who are like us.  Single.  Married.  Widowed.  Mothers.  Etcetera.  Etcetera.  We do this for company but also to try to determine if we are “normal” or what we are feeling or experiencing falls within the boundaries of most other people’s experiences.

I argued myself blue with this and that board admin on the very real needs that widowed who have remarried have but to no avail.  It’s a small subset and in the interest of not stirring up the majorities who populate these online communities, the admins chose the path of least effort and headache*.

Still, I see a lot of searches for this type of support and wish I had more to offer in terms of information or advice.

Oh, surely, it can’t be that bad?

Recently, my search log lit up with hits for Ye Olde Widda Board, and after a couple of days of this I was curious enough to click over and check out the latest flaming shit storm.  I have to chuckle a bit when these wars erupt because older widowed members will drag out the same tired excuses and nearly all will lie through their keyboards with some variation on “Oh, these things come and go. No hurt/no foul.”  Which is total bullshit.  The YWBB is one of the foulest of the widow boards.  The nasty threads actually pale in comparison to the hateful private messages some members heap upon remarrieds, early daters and anyone who disagrees with the prevailing notions about grief being a catch-all get out of jail free card.  How anyone can defend the shit-slinging that goes on there still amazes me, but the chief reason it occurs is that the board itself has no moderator and the board admins lack the moral fiber to delete hateful threads or members.

Until this latest flare-up, I can’t recall anyone ever being chastised, much less banned, but two members were blocked after last week’s dust-up. Only one of them really deserved it.  A long time member who is a rabid dog about moving on and should have been punted years ago.  I have no doubt she will end up on another site.  She needs them in order to hang onto the turmoil and ache of early grief.  She’s a vampire really, using newly widowed’s to stoke her own hurt and rage.  I pity the community she lands in next.

But the YWBB’s expense lesson is just one of the examples of why widowed who remarry can’t really avail themselves of existing forums.  They just don’t quite fit in.

As you move on, it’s not grief in any way the books mention.  It’s nuanced and muted and separate from life as it’s being lived.

People who marry widowed like to believe that it’s still grief but just not as often and that it will eventually cease to be completely.  A nice fantasy, but ridiculous.  Widowed who’ve remarried even like to feed that delusion with nonsense that as you move on, you put your late spouse in a non-romantic love context that stems from mutual off-spring or just the general sadness we all feel from time to time about lost loved ones.

The reality is harder to explain.  My late husband holds a part of me that is lost forever – to me or to anyone else.  I seldom think of him only in terms of his sperm donation.  When he pops up, it’s always in a context that is his alone, and while I can’t say that what I feel is missing or longing, I can say that he will always be a part of me in a way that transcends the child we had together.  He doesn’t vanish.  He hasn’t given up his place as my husband**, and he will always be significant in a way that is his alone.

If you are a widowed who has remarried and finds yourself reading this, know that you are not alone.  Others have walked with dual life path and we’ve struggled with those who don’t get it or want to marginalize the effort that goes into blending families and dealing with the unexpected issues that come up.  Know that you’ll be okay.  It’s normal to move on.  It’s normal to want to love again.  It’s not abnormal to love again as fully and as deeply.  It’s not a betrayal to love two people.  It’s okay to insist that extended family, old friends and even children man up and accept your right to move on.  You don’t owe anyone but yourself.

*It’s ironic because many of these sites are run by remarried widowed, who certainly realize how fraught the widowsphere is with anti-remarried’s prejudice.

** Divorced people are very touchy about the terms “husband” and “wife” because they tend to lean toward the very artificial and legal contract side of what marriage is (they remind me a bit of the “marriage is one man/woman” crowd in their self-interested pov).  As if marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper. Marriage is far more than the words and the paper.  It transcends.  But the remarried widowed find themselves tilting at angry windmills when the whole “death ends a marriage just like divorce” arguments begin and that’s just one of many issues that we share as a group that those who haven’t remarried don’t get either.

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2011 in review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for my blog. That was sweet of them. The “nipple” thing is disturbing though not nearly as much as the guy who wrote me recently praising my posts on outdoor urination and throwing in the tmi that he really liked anything that had to do with toilets. Not judging, just wishing I could unknow this.

31,000 views is what the blog logged in 2011, which is less than some of the top bloggers receive in a single day, but I’ll take it. Much thanks to you, dear readers, who read and comment and generally make writing this blog worthwhile and fulfilling. Happy New Year. May your 2012 grant all your fondest hopes and dreams.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 31,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 11 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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New Year’s Eve Meme


New Year's Day postcard circa 1900

Image via Wikipedia

New Year’s is one of those reflection points that inspires some of us to review the past and possible set new goals for future realigning of purpose, body or spirit.  My husband’s blog is lit up with hits on an old meme, so I thought I’d revive it here as well.  Play along at home via the comment box or link back from your own blog if you like. Just keep in mind that the point isn’t to answer every question or even any.  It’s just an opportunity to meditate.

Happy New Year!

1.  What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I stopped caring about my weight. Truly.  And it wasn’t a conscious thing nor has it kept me from monitoring intake and adjusting when necessary, but it’s allowed me to be free of the obsession that I should weigh this or that amount and that the amount matters in some tangible way.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make them.  I do have a loose idea of what I’d like to do throughout the course of a year, but resolutions remind me of all that nonsense goal-setting mumbo-jumbo in the professional portfolio’s we were required to maintain back in my teaching days.  It was busy-work to appease politicians and a public who had only a half-assed idea of what teachers actually do.  It also allowed lazy and/or incompetent administrators to weasel out of their obligation to keep an eye on what it was their teachers were or were not doing.  I put no faith in “scrapbooks” as performance indicators and less faith in the idea that resolutions mean anything or are jump-starters for the majority.  They are mostly empty promises that make people feel better about themselves without having to really do anything.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Ah, no.  The mother of one of Dee’s soccer mates gave birth to a little boy in October, but I wouldn’t call her a close friend of mine.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My great-auntie died. She was 102ish or maybe it was 103?  I can’t recall.  I wouldn’t say we were close.  She was the last man standing, so to speak, of the old generation and being so had litter upon litter of nephews, nieces and their children and their children’s children to claim matriarchal status over.  I get lost in that crowd.

A close friend of my parents died early this year too.  Again, not a close tie to me though at one time early in my life, I saw her more often than my own aunties.

5. What countries did you visit?

In 2011, the only country I visited was the United States.  We traveled through Montana, Wyoming, the Dakotas, Nebraska and Minnesota, and we caught up with friends and family in Iowa.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Direction where my writing is concerned.  I have been at the whole “writing thing” for nearly five years and still haven’t found my niche, but I think I am closer to figuring at least some of it out than I was when I started.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Nothing specific comes to mind.  Overall, the year has been a good one in general without any major highs or lows.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I was voted one of the top five mom bloggers in Canada – with a lot of help from my friends.  I scored a position on the city’s yoga teacher roster. My biggest achievement, and I don’t know if you can rightly call it that, is that I continue to be quite happy with my life, a five-year run which owes its longevity to those around me more than to anything I’ve done or not.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Well, my potato rolls were not the success I hoped they would be and the garden was a non-starter.  Probably not huge on the failure scale however.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I came down with a bad case of costochondritis, which is an inflammation of the cartilage around the breastbone and ribs.  It plagued me for much of the year and I am still dealing with after effects.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I didn’t buy, but I received an eReader from Edie and Mick for Christmas that is just magnificent.  I also got a smart phone from Rob for my birthday, which is proving useful.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Dee has grown up quite a bit, but I suppose that is to be expected of someone so young, and my brother, CB, seems to be reinventing himself with some purpose.

13. Whose behavior appalled you?

Appalling behavior seems to be the given in our world anymore.  No one in my life can lay claim, overmuch.  Anyone I know who tips beyond the pale has always done so and it’s ceased to surprise me in any long-lasting way.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The usual suspects. Nothing out of the ordinary.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I’m a Sagittarius.  I get “really, really, really excited” about anything.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Moves Like Jagger.  Normally I loathe Maroon 5, but this is an infectious ear-worm.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?  I am basically happy and that hasn’t changed.
b) thinner or fatter? I’ve probably stayed about the same but I’m stronger and look leaner.
c) richer or poorer?  In what sense? I feel richer as a person. Money-wise? Wealth is an illusion really. Aside from those liquid assets you can put in your pocket and the material things that you own outright, all other wealth is theoretical and isn’t real until it becomes a material good or money in your actual pocket.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Slept. I still don’t get near enough sleep for my needs.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?.

Worried

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas was spent with husband, daughters and one son-in-law’ish type.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I continued on in love with Rob.  Count myself lucky for the privilege too.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I don’t watch TV.  I did watch the last season of The Tudors on dvd.  Does that count?

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hating is a waste of energy.  There are those I don’t care for much and that’s about as far as it goes.

24. What was the best book you read?

I am working on The Game of Thrones, which I wish I had read earlier.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I continue to enjoy popular music, which is good because the second you stop liking new music is the moment when your youth truly begins seeping away.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted to be a top five Canada mom blogger and I am.

27. What did you want and not get?

I wanted to be able to start running again, but alas, my knees will have none of it.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don’t really remember too many of the films we watch beyond the moment.  Films in general aren’t noteworthy anymore.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We tried to eat out but couldn’t find a restaurant without a long wait list, so we ended up at Edie and Silver’s, eating take away from Boston Pizza and watching Elf.  I am 48.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

It would have been nice if I could have figured out a way to take over The Yoga Room after Jade decided to close it.  I had the chance but couldn’t figure out a way to do it financially or make it work within the confines of my personal life.  Owning and running my own yoga studio would have been sweet indeed.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Oh, it continues to be yoga mom-ish.

32. What kept you sane?

If a sanity check is needed, I get it from Rob. He’s a Virgo, the definition of sane.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Fancy? I don’t really pay that much attention to that sort of thing.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Occupy movement invigorated me for a while.  I went to a rally with Mick.  Donated to the OccupyEdmonton campsite. In the end though, I think they are simply just the other side of the coin where what is wrong is concerned. You can’t change anything without actually doing something tangible, getting your hands dirty, pitching in and tackling real issues with real solutions.

It doesn’t surprise me that a generation of young people accustomed to living virtually would think that all you need is words, Facebook and camping to change the world. The world bends only to those who take action, which they really aren’t doing. They are the future buck passers and obstacles and nothing more.

35. Who did you miss?

I’m not sure how to answer this, so I won’t.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I didn’t meet anyone new in person and those I met virtually have each added to my life in different ways.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

That you must accept those in your life for who they are right now or don’t bother with them. No one will ever live up to your idea of their potential, so don’t waste your time or theirs with such childish notions.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

It’s not a song lyric but it’s source is a singer.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened…
or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” – Tupac
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