Monthly Archives: June 2009

The Fear of Falling


I read a blog by a guy named Chris Brogan. It’s about business and promotion. He has some interesting ideas and a good outlook.

Today he posted about the importance of taking a fall or failing. I found his premise quite interesting and valid that it is only through risking failure that success can be achieved.

It’s not a long post and essentially he is not saying anything new. The idea that doing the same thing you’ve always done in the past to no great ends will somehow benefit you if you simply bang your head a little harder on the same wall is a pretty silly one. Do something different. Something you wouldn’t have thought was possible or that would work and be amazed by the different results. Even if the results are not necessarily what you were looking for, they might end up being exactly what you need.

I am reminded of myself. I was 34 and had never really had a boyfriend. I dated here and there but I was waiting for that perfect someone to simply manifest himself in my path the way I saw it happen for other people. For no reason other than it was different from anything I’d tried before, I joined a social network that focused on fund-raising and volunteer projects. That was in December of 1997 and by October of 1998, I was with Will. And even he was a departure. He was too young. He didn’t have a college degree. He liked things that I found only mildly interesting. And the worst sin of all, he was a really nice, thoughtful, considerate guy. If I’d had a list, which I have never had, he would have been cut a million times for reasons so slight they don’t bear mentioning. 

I think lists are the first and best way to keep yourself from ever succeeding at anything.

I totally get the idea of letting yourself fall. Risking. I have risked much in walking away from teaching to pursue a writing career. Salary. Seniority. Tangible benefits. Retirement. But I am happy with what I am doing in a way I never managed to be as a teacher. I am growing as a person whereas teaching was really such an easy thing to do I scarcely gave a thought to the process most days.

Even leaving the U.S. to live permanently in Canada was an out of the box thing to do in most people’s eyes though it makes perfect sense to me and I have never questioned the correctness of it because again, I have gained a sense of completeness and contentment I would not have otherwise. Whatever I may have lost is insignificant in  terms of what I have and continue to gain.

I don’t equate the possibility of something not working out as a good reason not to do something, and I think many people do use that as a rationale for repetitious behaviors that don’t further their dreams or goals.

Have you fallen lately? Perhaps it is time to rethink the reasons why you should.

POV


A woman in my revision class is writing a book about her experiences in Cuba. Her family spent two and a half years there for her husband’s job and she kept a journal to document their adventures. Her novel will be about the changes that occur in one’s perspective when one does more than merely vacation in another country but lives there life a native.

She was talking about the differences between Canada and Cuba and the subject of health care came up. She explained that Cuban’s have the best health care in Latin America but that it was years behind what we have in Canada. Facilities are antiquated and dirty by comparison.

I was telling this to Rob at dinner.

“What did you say?”

“I just listened.” And I did because the last thing I should do is get started on how horrifying I find Canadian medicentres and hosptials compared to the Cadillac health care I had through my employer back in the States.

My doctor, just as an example, places the instruments he uses for my (close your eyes if you are squeamish) pap test on a paper towel on top of a foot rest. When I go to the doctor – either mine or the at the walk-in clinic, I am not weighed nor are any of my vitals collected for comparison on future visits. There are, as far as I can tell, no real nurses outside of hospitals and even in hospitals, I can’t say for certain there are many nurses.

The hospitals are, um, not like anything I can recall experiencing in person. The closest comparison I can make are those old movies of English hospital wards. There is no such thing as a private room for the average Canadian. No one shows up if you press the call button and if someone does, likely they will have to go find someone else to take care of your problem.

And nothing would pass a white glove test.

Canadians should be proud of the access that everyone has because in the States, my health care and my access were not the norm by any stretch, but what they have here is a far cry from good. It’s bare bones and I understand perfectly why so many people I run into opt for natural medicine and holistic healers rather than brave the “system”.

Revision Boot Camp


Upon arrival, I assisted the instructor in the room set up, moving tables and chairs to facilitate the workshop atmosphere. Set up is very important. I spent a lot of time staring at desks and tables in my day, knowing that the feng shui could make or break me.

Boot Camp is a cross between straight lecture and the writer’s workshop style I was weaned on as an undergrad at Iowa. I have experienced writing courses both ways and prefer the semi-open to the lecture or the free-for -all that a workshop can become under a less than prepared instructor (or just a simply sadistic one). I don’t believe in the competition theory. A writer’s only competition is him/herself when it gets down to it. There is no need for winnowing.

We deconstructed first lines. I went back and forth as far as my interest in the exercise went. At one point I was keenly aware that what makes me a very good teacher impedes me from truly losing myself in the whole “grasshopper” experience. I will blame most of my weariness with the first exercises on actual weariness. I am still living amid reconstruction in my own home as the upstairs is still asunder, and I will own up to not having patience enough to truly listen to others when I am chomping to get going on a project. I wanted to dive in and I forget that I might be the only other person in the room with the English know-of to skip to the more challenging routines.

A plus note here, as an aside, I was affirmed in my suspicions that I have outgrown the generic writing group. Every person in the Boot Camp has a project and is committed to the pursuit of publication. There were no poets. I almost laughed when one woman introduced herself and mentioned as an afterthought that she’d had some poetry published and then literally waved it aside with her hand as if it hardly mattered at all. 

I also realized that I don’t just “think” I am a writer. I am a writer. Being among others of my kind and having discussions about structure, layer, texture and words confirms it and lifts me up spiritually. 

I tried to sit back and absorb but find myself jumping into the conversation though I am curbing my tendency to interrupt (I am like a man sometimes). I worry that when I am expounding I am exposing myself as a fraud. I remember feeling that way all the time when I was teaching. Almost right up until I quit two years ago although by then I didn’t care enough to worry if I was showing my idiot side (I wasn’t. I was good which is sad because being good kept me in the profession too long.)

On the second day, I spoke up even more. I apologized just once for jumping in to clarify a point of the teaching of the subjunctive in the writing process. The instructor graciously let it pass saying it “was okay” and that she wanted the discussions to evolve. Perhaps it was. She is a multi-published author who has sat on literary panels, but we are all just writers around the table. I am grateful she is not the “shut up and listen while I impart my vast wisdom to you” type.

We shared our first lines and put them through paces. Despite what my blogging looks like at times, I do enjoy revision and I have an instinct for editing that, while it isn’t as exacting as Rob’s or Silver’s, is usually right on.

Writing isn’t a carved in stone thing. Even God only did that once as the various holy books of the world are a testament to the fact that he allowed a substantial amount of reworking of his ideas.

Generally the feedback on the novel has been good , but I see now that there is more work to be done than I had originally thought if I want it to be more than just a horror/thriller. Surface novels are fine, but after the third day – when we discussed theme – I realized that I have layered that into the work without realizing. Now that it is clear to me I should capitalize on it.

I am think about changing the titles from Night Dogs to Sundogs at Night or something like that. The first was only ever a working title and I like the imagery of the second.

Anyway, work to be done. I have a rant to send off to the Edmonton Journal about Bill 44. It’s like I woke up back in the States yesterday with its thought police and religious right.