I am none to inspired tonight and have no particular topic in mind, but I haven’t added an entry in a while and not at all this month so I felt I should put something on the record before the year ended.

It will be 11 months since Will’s death on Saturday. We have almost made it through the first year. I don’t think I can say it was a successful journey. I feel as though I haven’t done as good a job with this grief business as I could have. I am not sure why.

When I read posts from other widow/ers on the various breavement sites I frequent, I am thankful for the relatively easy time I have had of it in comparison. Still, I am not as positive as I could be. I am not as productive as I should be. I am not the teacher I once was. I am not the mother I dreamed of being.

Aside from my best friend who I would do anything for, I am not much of a friend. I am certainly an awful daughter and sister and can’t put enough distance between me and my family.

And, I am not much of a wife anymore.

I don’t think about him everyday. I focus far more on my future than on memories of the past. Maybe that is as it should be.

Some aspects of my future are falling into place more easily than others.

The only lesson that God could possibly have wanted me to learn from this last year – patience – eludes me still – and I fervently hope that the heavens are through assigning that one to me.

Someone asked me again recently what I wanted for Christmas, and I couldn’t think of a thing. Nothing comes to mind at this moment either.

I saw a shooting star the other morning on my drive to work. I have only seen one other in my life. It was the weekend that I took Will home to meet my family. We both saw it. He thought it meant good luck.

I know now that it just means big changes are afoot.* I wonder what big changes are in store for me. I have felt their approach since the late summer. I hope the star was heralding their arrival.

I guess that what I want for Christmas is change.

* It turned out to be my friendship and eventual relationship with Rob.