So here is a question that needs to be asked. if she and her LH were soul mates, why bother with you? She’s been to the mountain top, right?

The answer is, of course, that she feels entitled to her spot on the mountain. She wants to stay there and as you point out, when marriage is good that is a hard thing to give up.

Widowed people often go looking for new partners because they know that marriage/coupledom can be a really good thing and they miss it. They miss sharing life with someone who is special and think that about them in return.

But, the late spouse can’t come along for the ride in a tangible sense. Just can’t and you are in the right to insist this and she is wrong for insisting otherwise.

However, there is one thing that you need to realize and it’s a biggie for many people, so I understand why it’s making you unhappy.

The late spouse is never, ever gone. Even if she never mentions him, takes down all his pictures and puts away any of the little leftovers from their life – he lives on in her memory and the love she had for him still exists there.

My late husband pops up a lot. I don’t mention it and I rarely ever mention him, but unlike Elvis, he hasn’t left the building. And it’s not a pining thing and it’s not an active feeling, but I married the guy, had his kid and spent three years watching him die. The mark left behind isn’t going anywhere.

Does my husband have anything to worry about? No, he is my number one concern and focus. He knows this because I show him and tell him everyday.

What’s most important are the actions not the stray thoughts.

Now, does he think about his late wife and still love her? I don’t know. I don’t ask. Because it’s not a competition and it doesn’t matter. I am here and she is not. And that’s reality. She’s not coming back. And her memory is no threat to me or my marriage because my husband makes it clear that he loves me and that I am his number one priority.

Love isn’t in the heart anyway. It’s a decision you make. To do or do not.

Most of us are not fresh out of the box. We’ve loved before, now and possibly again in the future. Everyone we’ve loved has left an imprint for good or bad. Short of a brain-wipe, I am not sure how you get rid of them or even if that is a good idea. With them comes all the things you’ve learned and some of that made you an awesome catch.

But it’s understandable that you feel you are sharing her heart b/c her words and actions are giving you cause to doubt. If she were to change her tune, I don’t think that the whole “shared heart” thing would even enter your mind. You don’t feel number one because she hasn’t made the choice – from what you are telling me – to make you number one.

I often tell women who query here about widowers that men who love you will move mountains to be with you and make relationships work. The same is true in reverse. Women in love don’t set up competitions or play new loves against old ones. They only do that when they are testing you because they haven’t made up their minds yet. Once they are sure – that stops and they throw themselves all in.

If she is as committed to you and the relationship as she is saying she is, her actions would show it.

since I am divorced, she insists that its different somehow…like I am not supposed to keep anything from MY marriage at all. You know, widows arent the only people who have good memories of being married at one time. My marriage was sabotaged by my exwife. I dont want to be with her anymore (its been almost 10 years) but I DO have good memories of what it felt like to be someone’s husband. But because I’m divorced, I’m supposed to completely erase MY past while she is ENCOURAGED to keep hanging on to hers because she is a widow.

I just keep asking myself: Five years ago, would SHE have tolerated someone doing this to HER?

She keeps telling me she wants things to work out, and I keep telling her that I cannot be with someone who will not give herself over to me completely…no matter HOW much I love her…which is a lot.

I just do not understand why she seems to think I’m asking her to erase part of her life when I am not. I am just asking her to put it in the past, like I have with MY former marriage. I dont have MY wedding photos anywhere to be seen, not do I have pictures of the day my son was born, which was the happiest day of my entire life….because almost all of them have my exwife in them and I can understand it making her uncomfortable.

I’m just asking for the same respect, and she seems unwilling. It’s not that I am not willing to be patient or even supportive…its that I can NOT allow myself to share her heart with anyone else, even if he’s dead and gone.

Not to say that it isn’t fine to keep pics and things, but if your new partner objects to have them on display, his feelings should come first.

The only pics I have up of the late husband are in the daughter’s room. Just a couple and they are hers. Kids should be allowed to have pics of a late parent on display in their own rooms.

Anything else, however, is disrespectful and hurtful to new partners. It’s almost the same thing as making comparisons between the late spouse and the new partner – just more subtle.

You don’t have to put up with it or except it as normal (it’s not really) and the things that she is saying to you about it make it seem as though she is trying to manipulate you into going along with it. Regardless, she is clearly not hearing you and that’s a big point of concern. Your feelings should be just as important as hers. It’s your relationship too.

I am not surprised that you are ready to walk. Men put up with this sort of thing far, far less than women do.

“What…you dont think people can love more than one person?” Is her favorite.

Or “Anyone i am with will have to understand i love my husband …always will.”

Good for you..i actually love you NOW..and IM not dead.

Im actually about to throw in the towel because i can NOT get her to understand that she is hurting me. Instead, she tells me that “we will have to agree to disagree”. Actually, i dont HAVE to agree to shit..and ive about had enough of agreeing to being just the OTHER guy she’s in love with…even though one of us is dead.