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When my late husband went into the nursing home, I cleaned his things out of our closet, the dresser and off the bathroom vanity. I didn’t throw anything away, nor did I give anything away at that point, but he was dying – albeit slowly – and there was no point in pretending he was coming home again. Leaving his things as they were served me no purpose from a practical or emotional point of view.
Over the course of the next 15 months, I gradually chipped away at his physical presence in the house. Pictures, books, cd’s and such were reminders that served only to keep me from the rather tedious and unpleasant task of putting our life together into perspective so I could move on. By the time he died, you might not have known – aside from the wedding ring – that I was married at all, judging from my surroundings and the things I put on display, and the day after his wake, I took off the ring and put that away too.
Widowed people are not usually counseled to clean house physically or figuratively in the early weeks and months. In fact, society can judge those who do rather harshly. After all, it’s not in keeping with the romantic idea of the tragic young widowed. We are supposed to keep that eternal flame lit, and it’s seen as proof of our love or lack of it.
Of course that is all nonsense. Tangible memories are anchors to the past that easily pull us backward to a life that isn’t rather when what we need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward.
If you are of the mind to date and even remarry, you can’t build a new life with someone else on top of the foundation of your previous marriage to your late spouse. For one thing, it’s a conflict of interest and for another, it’s not fair to your possible new love. If you love someone, you can’t ask them to be second choice or second best or to run a no win footrace for your heart with a dead person.
So the wedding picture and couple of photos in your living room (or the framed photo of your late spouse that sits on your night stand) tells anyone new that you are not available and though it won’t keep some people from trying to muster endless patience to wait you out, it’s not something a kind, caring person does to someone who seeks their love.
“But, I loved my late spouse,” you will protest. “Nothing can change that and if someone loves me, they will understand that I need his/her toothbrush on the vanity or dozens of pictures of him up and only a selfish, insecure person would question that.”
Did you just hear what you said? Who is really the selfish person in this scenario? You cause your new companion to doubt and feel less than and then you punish them for it by making demands that nobody can hold up under for long.
There were few pictures up when Dee and I moved in with Rob. Mick and Edie’s graduation photos and maybe one of Shelley on some holiday or other they took. But Rob’s laptop screen saver rotated an endless display of photos and though they included me too, we hadn’t been together long enough to make up for the sheer volume of those pictures that included Shelley.
Perhaps it was being widowed myself or maybe it was, at 43, being just too old that kept me from feeling second best or in some kind of competition. Whatever it was, I am not the norm to look to. Most people who date the widowed feel the weight of comparison and the more memorabilia lying around – coupled with a fierce resistance to put it away – the more slighted and second choice they feel.
I wasn’t completely immune to comparing myself to Shelley. She epitomized physically the beauty standard that I grew up with and never met and the stories I heard from Rob, Edie and Mick sometimes made me feel as though I was a much less likable person. It was nonsense but it’s proof of the power of a late spouse’s legacy to do harm to anyone who ventures into a widowed person’s emotional sphere.
I have mentioned it before but it bears repeating. If you bring a new person into your life with the intention of one day having a serious relationship and even marrying, you must be prepared to put away the physical aspects of your late spouse and your life together. It’s selfish of you to expect a new love to be anything less than “the love”. You cannot actively love the late spouse and do justice to a new partner and it’s unfair to ask of anyone that he/she sign up to be “just the second husband/wife”.
- Put away phrases like “true love” or “soul mate” when talking about your late spouse. They are fairy tale words in any case and will hurt your new partner even if he/she is too kind to tell you so.
- Don’t allow children, extended family or friends to use words, objects or memories to make your new partner feel like a runner-up. Your love is not a beauty contest.
- Strive to love someone new as deeply and without reservation as you did your late spouse.
“But,” you doth protest too much again, “my new partner assures me that they don’t mind the pictures, my bratty adult children and insensitive friends and the closet so full of late spouse’s clothing that they are living out of a suitcase and boxes.”
He/she is lying because he/she loves you that much and buys into the idiotic notion that being patient, understanding and loving you far more than you deserve at this point will one day open your eyes to how wonderful he/she is and you will let him/her fully into your affections …. and make space in the closet.
“But,” make your last stand, Gen. Custer, “my children need these things in order to remember.”
Bullshit.
You need these things to avoid moving on. Moving on sucks because change we don’t initiate ourselves is unwelcome and we are no better than children about it with our kicking and screaming.
Your kids don’t need a wall collage or an urn on the mantle piece. They would probably be grateful if you moved the fuck on, so they could too. I am stunned by the number of widowed who use their kids as a way to cling to their grief even while they abdicate active parenting and justify their behavior by hiding behind grief.
If you are not ready to move on, you aren’t. If you are not ready to date, don’t. If you only want to date, be honest about that with those who approach you.
But, if you are seriously involved, live in the present. Honor and love that person the same way you did the one who came before him/her. That’s what a person of integrity does. That’s what a person who is ready to move on does.
Related articles
- Dating While Widowed – Widow Card Fall Out (anniegirl1138.com)
- Dating While Widowed: Support for the Remarried Widowed (anniegirl1138.com)
- Dating While Widowed: Are Widows Different From Widowers Where New Love is Concerned? (anniegirl1138.com)
well….finally! someone that speaks the truth about involvement with a widower or widow …and the frustrations, and literal hell they drag others thru at times, and the courage to tell them THEY are being self centered/selfish in shrining or martyering their late spouse..awesome advice to the widower and to us, the GOW/WOW’s …i will be reading this blog from now on….thanks for your honesty and candid advice…so refreshing …particularly this article …this article ROCKS!!
Thank you. I will add though that I think it is a smaller portion of the widowed crowd who do this. Most are receptive to “constructive” criticism when their new loves feel marginalized. And it’s not like there is a handbook for the widowed when they decided to date and remarry like there is for those who are divorced. You will find far more resources and advice for dating and remarrying if you divorce than if your spouse dies.
If you haven’t already, you should check out Abel Keogh’s Widower Wednesday. His is also a practical, realistic approach to dating and remarrying widowed.
thanks Annie! i am already aware of Abel’s excellent site…your insight and advice are much needed…precise and to the point..enjoyed reading it..speaks volumns about what its like to encounter that world and all those that promote the “widower card” being dealt to those attempting to have relationships with them…
Dating can be difficult regardless but in the end, it’s not rocket science. It’s about respect and putting the other person first. That’s what has always made relationships work. Nothing really has changed, but widowed are taught by the grief culture that something essential has changed and not all of them will come to recognize this on their own.
After my boyfirend changed his job I spend huge amount of time in his home so we could say that I have been living with him for few months. But there is some issue making me feel I do not belong there. He gave away some part of his deceased spouse belongings. Still a lot of her stuff is next to mine in the bathroom etc. One day he announced me that he promised to give the rest of her clothes to one of his friend. However, this have not happened yet. We argued about that and I was told he wishes to resolve this issue by himself and by no means want me to interfere. I’ve read that cleaning the house of the deceased sposue belongings should precede new relationship. Sometimes I feel like an intruder in that house. We agreed that he had not been ready for a new relationship at the point we started hanging out however I pointed out that II did not consider leaving at that moment. His keeping wife’s stuff rather seems unfair to me. Yet I’ve decided to wait. There are three options: one day soon he will overcome his clinging to the past and will move on (probably some professional councelling will be necessary), I will resign or I will stay with him and feel the way I feel now for the rest of my life. I perfectly understand that it was too soon and this issue makes our relationship unhealthy in certain aspects. However, I decided to try to survive the issue still keeping in my mind that this may give the least favourable result.
My husband lost his wife in August of 2006. He met me in December. We were friends about a month before he suggested exploring the possibility of more and by March of 2007, we were engaged and I was making plans to quit my job, sell my house and move me and child to Canada. So here is what I think of the “too soon” thing – bullshit.
When widowed (or recently divorced/broken up) take steps to enter a new relationship soon after the loss of their significant other, they know exactly what they are doing. You don’t end up in a romantic relationship by accident. One might catch you by surprise, but you don’t lose the ability to decide for yourself what you want and to move ahead or politely decline. Ppl who find themselves ambivalent simply don’t know if the person is right for them. That’s a harsh thing to admit to oneself and the person one is involved with. Easier to lay blame on “it’s too soon” and the fresh wounds from death, divorce, etc.
People who are sure of who they are and what they want don’t fall back on excuses. They act. And someone who loves you will move mountains to ensure that you feel number one and would correct those issues that give you doubts or make you feel unloved.
And it really is that simple, but in our society we school women in particular to believe that they should have to coax relationships out of men, which is why we stay with those who are probably just passing time with us.
You are free to try and wait him out. It’s not impossible, but the time spent runs the risk of building up hurt and resentment that can haunt, hurt and hinder the growth of a good relationship for years to come.
Keeping clothes is not unusual but stuff in the bathroom? That’s a message.
I wish you good luck. I hope this turns out as you hope. You deserve that.
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First I have to disclose that I have never lost a spouse, so maybe this is speaking out of turn. But I was stunned by the self-centeredness and denial exhibited by the mother of 6 who wrote the blog post linked here. I will freely admit that I cannot imagine the pain of losing my husband, but I DO know that checking out as mother to my four children to indulge my grief would quite simply not be an option. I am actually not sure whether I am more appalled at this mother’s free admission that she was not there for her kids when they desperately needed her most, or all the replies patting her on the back and telling her it is perfectly okay and understandable. No, it is NOT okay for a child or children to become “orphans” upon the loss of a parent. It is a million miles from okay.
When I lost my dad at 23, my mother’s love and partner of 25 years, she (one might say) had every right to retreat into a grief cave and stay there, and leave me to cope on my own. After all, I was technically an adult, the nest was empty. But I also was single mom to two children under the age of two, and I was struggling in many ways that were separate from the loss of my dad, with whom I was extremely close. My mother never shut me out, was never not there for me when I needed her, and never for a moment made me feel as though her grief was greater than mine (or that there was any call for any type of comparison to begin with). She picked herself up and dusted herself off, went back to teaching, continued to be a support system for me (as I hope I was for her), and focused herself on indulging every ounce of her overwhelming emotions into love for me and her two grandbabies.
My mother and I have had our share of mother-daughter issues over the years, but one thing I absolutely admire her for is the way she handled my father’s untimely death. And now that I have read this and realized the effort it must have taken for her to continue mothering me despite her own grief, I realize that in the very near future – when I can do it face to face – I owe her a huge thank-you for taking the high road, not dissolving into a helpless mass of grief and leaving me to sort through the aftermath by myself, and for giving me such a great example to follow if (God forbid) I ever find myself in her position. I know without a doubt that the way she handled things is no less than my father would have expected and asked from her, and that wherever he is, he is proud of her for getting back on her feet and soldiering on, and I also know that it is exactly what my husband would expect of me if something were to happen to him. I would certainly hate to have to face him in the afterlife and explain how I was just too wrapped up in myself and my own feelings to fulfill my obligations as parent to our children.
I have no respect for those who wholesale abdicate their parental obligations because life got tough for them. I have less respect for those who basically consider it a badge of honor in some way and seek to justify or who blame their children for being upset in the aftermath.
And you are right. Adult children don’t have the same expectations and in some ways, grappling with disaster and death is part of learning to be an adult – an ongoing process b/c every age brings new challenges. But it is a poor parent indeed who ignores their youngsters or teens because they feel they “deserve” the emotional time-out and it’s a questionable parent who ignores the struggles of their fledgling adults fresh out in the world and encountering hurdles.
But as I have stated before, widowhood doesn’t change who you always were in terms of your basic sense of what is right/wrong and it doesn’t make strong people out of those whose natures are basically needy and/or helpless. Sometimes it is the strong spouse who dies.
There were many times when I questioned my parenting once I was doing it solo, which was long before my late husband died. I was not happy about it and the irony was palpable, given that early in my 30′s, when I was not sure if I would ever marry, I toyed with and discarded the idea of single parenthood. I knew I didn’t have the desire or the personality for it. So I worked very hard to err on the side of what was best for my daughter throughout her dad’s illness and after his death. I wasn’t always perfect. No parent can be. But I was always taking care of business b/c I knew from my experiences teaching public school that a child abandoned during parental crisis is a future troubled teen or young adult – and they are far more work then.
I too was appalled by the support of this attitude, but it’s just one of the issues I have with the new grief culture and one that I am criticized for holding and speaking up against too.
Well, you certainly won’t hear any criticism from me. I admire your courage in speaking out against things that are irresponsible, selfish and/or just plain wrong. It is a shame that the grief culture has gone the way of not only accepting but condoning this behavior.
And it is really honestly something that I do not get. Again, I have never been in the shoes of a widow, but I know that my biggest comfort and solace would be my children, and as doing for others is one of the most effective and time-proven ways to cope with emotional pain, I feel like my kids would give me a reason to get up every day, see to their needs, and move forward. I simply cannot imagine shutting them out while I shut down.
This mother may feel that she was “vomited upon” (what a crass and unkind way to describe her child’s expressions of pain and confusion) but I would be surprised if her other kids are not holding onto a great deal of pain and resentment as well, which has done damage to her relationships with them. that she has only begun to see the effects of. And the saddest part of all is that she seems singularly unconcerned about it.
Although I know widowed who would say that they found solace in their children, the unspoken truth is that children’s needs are a drain on parents even under the best of circumstances. Their additional needs when a parent dies makes it more difficult for the widowed parent to take care of themselves, which is essential b/c they are the lynchpin that holds everything together. While I love my daughter very much, having her made things more difficult for me and the “joy” of her isn’t always so joyful. Kids don’t stop be me-centric even in light of tragedy.
But I have always maintained that nervous breakdowns or just wallowing in grief is a luxury, and not one a single parent can usually afford – unless they can hire some of the heavier lifting out. (The summer after LH died, I actually contracted with a friend’s teen daughter to be a part time au pair and it was a life-saver for me. The summer before, I made use of the daycare’s summer program. Not all widowed are blessed with resources though).
And yeah, the “vomiting” thing made me cringe too. I can understand frustration but to write that in a public forum that your child can and probably does read? Seek sympathy while settling a score with your kid? Questionable and gets back to my point about the kind of behavior that is given a pass in the new grief culture and serves only to teach the wrong things about slogging through the death of a spouse to vulnerable people new widowhood. jmo, of course. And who listens to me?
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Wow, I have just started reading your blogs and, from the standpoint of someone who is fresh out of a relationship with a widower, things are so much clearer. He was SO not ready to move on. The photo is still on the nightstand, the adult children are ruling his life and he has played the widow card too many times to count. I was trying so hard to be understanding and it was always backfiring. His son (lives with him) was completely disrespectful to me and his daughter (lives out of town) didn’t even know I existed after 9 months.
I wish I had done some research 9 months ago and until today I would have vowed never to date a widower again. At least now I feel better equipped to deal with the situation should it ever arise again. Thank you!
The adult children were likely ruling the roost and not all that courteous or well-behaved prior to their mother’s death. Grief doesn’t morph respectful young adults who know their boundaries into demon children. It speaks more to a lack of earlier parenting than anything else.
Items in intimate spaces speaks to readiness but hiding the person you are dating is something that all men do when they are just dating or they’ve already decided that you aren’t the one and they are killing time with you, waiting for her to show up (it’s a man thing/not a widower thing).
How can he possibly think I’m not the one when clearly, I am such an awesome person?
Obviously you are right and I need to hear it but that doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Thank you for your honesty.
That’s just a possible explanation but typically men who believe they are with the right person will fall all over themselves to make the relationship work/do whatever it takes. It could be that he is just not ready to move on regardless of how awesome you are. But patience and understanding usually don’t change either scenario.
I know that we woman are schooled from a young age to believe that we can love someone into loving us back, but more often than not this leads to years of wasted time. The battering our self-confidence, pride and feelings take makes fertile ground for future relationship pitfalls as well. We are told that this is a price worth paying for a “great catch”, but shouldn’t a man be a great catch from go rather than a major renovation project? The fact that he had a successful marriage once doesn’t mean he can replicate it especially if he has to be cajoled into it in the first place.
Only you can decide the price of admission but generally, short of a lightening strike, reluctant men and selfish children are not likely to become less so no matter how much you choose to sacrifice of yourself.
Thanks Annie for posting about this. It was brave of you. I’m widowed six and a half years and, although I cleared out a lot of his stuff quite early on, it’s only in the last few months that I have felt brave enough to close the door on him and turn to the future.
When I am lucky enough to find a man who wants to date me (that could take a while!) I will bear your wise words in mind.
The truth is not particularly brave, but it is perhaps unusual when it comes to widowed blogging, but thank you.
We are ready to move on – and that means a lot of things other than just deciding to date again too – when we decide to. There is more choice to it than they tell you. I am sure though that there is someone who would take you if that is what you want. Good luck and thanks for commenting.
Amen. And thank you. You have so articulately put into words what so many of us widows who are “moving on” (or have moved on, or are somewhere in between) struggle with. My husband died almost 9 years ago and I am happily remarried. The photos are long gone. And yet, the physical reminders linger: most obviously, our daughter (whom I would never want to part with for obvious reasons : ) But you’ve reminded me that I’m surrounded by plenty of artifacts that I’ve been hanging onto for practical reasons like furniture, the car, a rental house…
It’s time for me to move away from more of it. You’ve given me inspiration to conduct a new wave of space clearing/cleansing this spring. It’ll be good for my soul as well as the ongoing health and happiness of my current marriage. I’m looking forward it!
Thanks again. Your blog is wonderful and even though I don’t comment all that often, I do read your posts on a regular basis. You are an amazing and talented writer!
Sometimes we have to hang onto some of the practical things. Cars and rooms full of furniture are a tad on the expensive side, but slowly, I think that when we are in new relationships, the surroundings should reflect it.
I am glad you enjoy the blog. Thanks for coming out of lurkerdom.
I’d suppose so many people say it because it’s a normal concern, that in order to love someone new you might have to erase your past. It’s more about integrating than “putting away the past;” integrating the past with the present. I think we’re a little more complex than that. While I wouldn’t want to date a widower who rattled on and on about his first wife, I would only think more of him if he spoke lovingly of her from time to time, especially if they shared a life and children and a rich history which contributed to him becoming a person I could fall in love with. I would hope to find someone I could speak freely with- not every uncensored thought, but to share my deepest feelings, which will always include some sadness over Joe not being here, if not me then for our kids.
I agree you shouldn’t let your family or friends treat your new partner disrespectfully. Nobody should put up with that.
I’m 53. It’s been eighteen months since my husband died suddenly. I’m getting to the point where I would like to date.. but I can’t and won’t pretend the last 31 years didn’t happen. I have photos of my family, and Joe will always be a part of my family, whether he’s physically here or not. I would hope that someday I could find someone who would respect my past, as I would respect his. Not to dwell there, but to know that’s a huge part of who we are today. I can see the “no photos in the bedroom,” but you can’t expect someone to erase their past.
Why do so many of us trot out the “can’t expect us to erase our pasts” chestnut? Anyone would suspect we are handed a playbook of worn out cliches at the funeral home as often as I’ve read those words. No one expects that but neither do they expect to share the billing w/someone whose turn and time is over. It’s about priority. Loving again means making the new person the priority over the late spouse and that includes putting away the past in an emotional and physical respect.
When I bring this up, I am not talking about a family photo here or there but walls and mantles covered. Urns decked out like church icons and adult children/friends/family who are actively disdainful of your new partner. You would not believe the number of widows who think a new partner has to prove his/her love by putting up with what amounts to disrespect and borders on emotional abuse.
Thank you, Annie. Very well said.
You are welcome. There are plenty of places on the net that will tell widowed what they want to hear in terms of dating but I think they need the truth and to understand that dating means actively moving forward, not just thinking about it or working on thinking about it or anything other than action.
I think it depends on the couple, and the individual people in the relationship. We both have photos out, and we both have keepsakes. Some are tucked away, and a couple out in the open. I have not seen it mess up our marital relationship at all. We did agree that such items did not belong in our bedroom, however.
I think our situations are a bit different. When both couples are coming from the widowed perspective, we tend to not overthink or worry or compare b/c we have a basic understanding of the dynamics. But let’s face it, most young widowed will not be dating other widowed ppl. It’s too small a demographic. When the pond is mostly stocked with ppl whose relationship loss experience is not based on a person dying, the expectations are going to be that you move on in word and deed. It’s the exceptionally confident person who can live in a shrine and be pummeled on every conceivable side with the awesomeness of the late spouse, and it’s those situations where a person is usually quite clearly expected to be just fine and dandy with runner up status. You read the posts on the board as well as I did. Widowed farther out telling newbies that only a person who is totally cool with an emotional threesome should be considered good dating material and everyone else is jealous, insecure, or trying to control you.
And you two also did it by mutual agreement, coming from an equal footing. That’s not always the case. In fact, from what I’ve read, it’s seldom the case.
No one ever tells young widowed to suck it up because suggesting that they are being unreasonable and maybe even selfish flies in the face of the worn out idea that ppl should be able to grieve all over everyone in their lives from their new partners to their children without reproach. Grief shouldn’t excuse you when you use and hurt ppl and there are widowed out there doing just that and thinking it’s okay b/c of the misinformation that many books and web havens are giving them.