Both Hands

my android apps menu #5

Image by laihiu via Flickr

My boss called today. Yes, I have a boss. I know it seems like I’m living this Life of Reilly up on the prairie, but I am employed. I am hired in a manner of speaking though it is so different from my previous existence as a public school teacher that when I come up for air, now and again, I blink a lot. That spotlight I try to hide from is bright.

Cee conducts these random phone updates with the bloggers at Care2 to take our enthusiasm temperatures, I think. Mine’s been flagging a bit. Partly because I know that in order to be a success as a pseudo commentator on current events and life in general I need to lay fingers on the keyboard more often and far more furiously than I do now. And, I need to check my scruples at my office door. Blogging for the masses – the hordes that feed the advertisers – means inciting them to comment.

You might have noted that I closed comments on my Jennifer Petkov piece due to a persistent commenter. I don’t feel the need to engage in that way and this is a personal blog at any rate, but it’s highly reminiscent of the type of response I’ve inspired at Care2 from time to time. My karma prefers to be less sullied but my ego is entirely game. Let the tug of war begin.

So, on the one hand there is the very real possibility of making my mark in the world of op-ed and on the other hand there is coming back in my next life as an invertebrate.

Okay, it’s not that black and white. Probably.

Mostly this is coming down to time. Which is precious even if it’s nothing more than sitting in the office with Rob in the evening sharing thoughts about items on our Google Readers.

However, I don’t have as much time as I did.

My other boss emailed me today. Yes, two bosses though Jade’s in a gray area. She’s my teacher. I like to think of her as a friend. And she lets me teach at her studio.

Jade’s off on a yoga cruise soon. The studio was supposed to close because Rob and I had planned a vacation for that week, but we’ve decided to demolish the wall between our living and dining rooms and reno instead – seriously, and I will explain that another day – so I am suddenly around and she asked if I will cover classes for those who have memberships.

Teaching yoga is feast or famine. I am busy beyond comprehension until Christmas and then …? I don’t know.

Here’s the thing. My old life was scripted from the outside. Order was imposed on me by a schedule not of my making. Not a bad thing because being a Sagittarius, I tend towards free flow and formless when left to my own devices.

Now, life needs order.

Why?

Because I am not – never have been – okay with just being good. At anything. I need to be awesome. Ego. Yes, I am well aware.

But, I can be awesome. I know this.

I am ruined though by twenty years of being scheduled. I wish I had shunned teaching for writing earlier. Maybe I would have a better handle on scheduling myself?

Both hands are required. Cee gave me license to write at will for any channel I want at Care2. Go nuts. There’s a career in there somewhere.

Jade is trusting me an awful lot to find my yoga feet, take root and bloom. There’s a future there too.

Are they compatible? I think so, but it’s a matter of blocking time and not losing sight of Rob, the girls and the other people who are far more important than anything else.

Life was easier when I didn’t have to think about where I should be at a given time. When it was all decided for me.

But I recall, vaguely, wishing for this freedom. Must. Control. Blind. Wishing. And possibly break down and get a Blackberry or an Android.

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8 responses to “Both Hands

  1. I’ve pretty much worked in an unstructured environment most of my life. As a writer for a lot of it, I know how hard it is to block time for everything when time just seems to run all together and then, all too soon, run out. Also, I’ve come to know that no writer thinks they’re awesome. Not really. By and large, we think we’re frauds — hence the large alcohol consumption amongst us. However, I’ve found if you write what pleases you to the best of your ability and you can walk away from the keyboard knowing that and feeling satisfied, you can have a pretty happy life.

    Best to you on all your endeavors.

    • Yeah, rarely think I’ve hit the mark where writing is concerned. The few times have been when I’ve reread something from so long ago that I’ve nearly forgotten it. It’s like reading someone else.

      Thanks.

  2. having been a spectator over the past two years or so as you’ve made (and documented) your journey, i find it fascinating to read this… admiration that you’ve pursued such a divergent path from your “old life”, and still have the drive to be awesome.

    i was wound that way once upon a time. i kind of miss that… i traded ‘awesome’ for ‘adequate’, but i’ve added far more breadth to my activities. right now? it works. but i think hanging onto that “awesome” is worth something…

  3. I chuckled a bit at the end. When it rains it pours. Why shouldn’t you have it all? You’ve worked hard for every bit, and with practice you will figure out how to make it work. Good for you.

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